meow.

Last night was wonderful. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. What more is there to say?


Love is a war & you were my biggest battle.
p.s. I won 8)

empty lightbulbs are bad ideas.

power on

i remember that ever-so somber spiral staircase of a storm; oh, don't think i'll ever forget the macabre sequence of high-voltage events that forever scarred my luminosity: your weathered rhetoric tripped the stratosphere, and The Sky slid down a flight of frightening silhouettes. thunderclouds climbed through our ozone layer, precipitating the downfall of us. your capricious bolts overcharged and crashed into my murky plane-of-thought. i'm afraid of the grotesque shadows surging through our intertwined veins, yet the whimsical flashes of (im)possibility only blind my hexed eyes from subtle verity.

how many romantic addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
who cares?
you'll never screw me, so just give up now!

do you see my funnybone shaking?
you think your jokes are so fucking clever, huh?
well, i'll have you know:
i popped my humerus out of its socket–
but that wasn't for you.
i shoved a bad idea in its electric socket–
but that wasn't for you.
i packed my suitcase full of broken lightbulbs,
threatening to move to the seventeenth century
when candlesticks didn't float above my head–
but no, that wasn't for you either.

i did it so i'd never have to face the mocking dark again.
i did it so i'd never have to face your face again.
i did it because static hearts can't stay inactive forever,
because your mouth is shocking enough without its batteries,
and because my warranty only lasts twelve heartbreaks.

at least that's what i'll keep telling myself anyway...

/poweroff

He Sets My Soul Alight

rawr. missed out on West Fest because of senior boat & the afterparty. i honestly had less than an hour of sleep last night, but took a nap from 1-4pm. that did not even make up for it. i was planning on sleeping from 11-2, then waking up and heading out for West Fest, but my body needed sleep so badly, i would have died.

senior boat was fuuun. expensive, but i'd say it was pretty worth it. problem was, the whole time i was with my date, i couldn't help but think about someone else. someone that i'd much rather spend the night with. still managed to have fun though.

there were several afterparties that night, but we ended up staying at only one. pretty fun too, i've never seen that much lowell kids at one party before. and i didn't even get fucked up this time. i'm so proud of myself. but i missed out on West Fest with an amazing guy. only reason i'm not regretting it so much is that i'll be seeing him soon either way.



Don’t you know I suffer?
Can’t you hear me mourn?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?
I thought I was a fool for no one
But baby, I'm a fool for you.

This One's Different.

Melting into you, &falling in love. Somehow, being with you feels fine.

He makes me feel like it's time for me to settle down. As in only one guy. Monotonous relationship. Can you tell? I'm scared shitless.

no after parties..?

oh dear. momma caught me sneaking in at 2something in the morning after I went out for soccer/boys. she threatened to not let me go to senior boat. but I know I'm going regardless, since I already paid for my ticket. and it was $55. buuut, it would suck if she doesn't let me stay out after for the after parties. she's thinking about dropping me off and picking me up right after. FML

on the brightside of things, Fiesta on the Hill was awesome. there were goats and raffel tickets and funnel cakes and music and baby pigs and face painting! Marlene painted my face & i painted myself a glittery black heart. fuuuun

moonlit soccer matches

going out for soccer in a bit. crazy, right?
number one: i don't know how to play soccer. at all.
number two: i only know about two of the guys that are going. i don't know any of the other guys.
number three: it's at midnight. at balboa park


this is me being spontaneous and making new friends. even though soccer at midnight at balboa is pretty cutty. hope i don't get raped and murdered

Hansel & Gretel

I bought my costume for Senior Boat, the theme being Hansel&Gretel. I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about finding my costume anymore.

Contacts

I had a contact lense fitting appointment today. That was fun. You should know by know that I am paranoid. Very paranoid. So I thought it would be pretty impossible for me to poke anything onto my eyeball, especially not a little rubbery, plastic contact lense. It was actually super easy, and it didn't even hurt! I think I was just scared of the idea of poing my eyeball with my finger, but I overcame that fear in about 2 seconds. I'm pretty proud of myself.
So I tried on grey contacts and green contacts. That shit wasn't gonna work. It looked so fake, and it sort of made me look like I had messed up/blind eyes. Not even funny.
So I'm starting off with one-day disposables, and I love them so far. Just pop them in & pop them out, right? I won't have to worry about cleaning them or taking care of them, since I can just throw them away. That sounds perfect for someone like me 8)

*My week is still extrememely packed, and that's not helping with the stress. Where The Wild Things Are comes out this weekend, but I'll have to postpone it to next weekend. That sucks so bad, but it'll be worth the wait.

exhausted

How do we get out of this? Because neither one of us will to admit we were wrong.
&I'm sick and tired of fighting with you.

Silence Kills the Soul.

I left my heart out on the steps.
I went to fly a kite.

we are speaking in grey-scale rainbows.

I am filled to the brim with emptiness.
I am waiting for things that won't come.

If you were real I wouldn't want you.

There is nothing to say now. I'm talking just to talk. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't believe I'll ever get what I want.



when I say "you" I don't know who I mean. when I say "love" I pause and wonder what it is. When I feel grass between my toes and scabs against my skin I think of failures. failures, failures and hope.

I dream about kisses. I dream about tears. I dream about how I can't ever say what I want to say because I'm always too afraid.


I talk about freedom. I talk about love. I talk and talk and talk and talk but I am still not getting what I want.

just shut your eyes and turn over
just shut your mouth and pose right
just clench your fists and don't think

the thoughts are like acid tonight


bite your lip little girl, you're alright
bite your lip little girl, you'll survive

sober

I don't care cute he is. Or how much of a gentleman he was the other night. I hate guys that completely switch personalities when they're drunk. It's disgusting.
So Saturday night, I went to this bonfire at Ocean Beach. I didn't know anyone except Ben. And the asshole left me because I refused to get shitfaced & went to hook up with this whore that was a drunken mess. I ended up mooching a ride off of some stranger that was probably drunk, even though he swore he wasn't. Remind me not to ever talk to him again. FML

You're a Jerk.

“What I don’t understand is why girls really, really, really want that nice guy, but once they find one, they can’t date him because now they need a jerk.” —Rob


The man speaks the truth.


hasta luego, bonfire @ the beach tonight. thank god for columbus day weekend.

I'm a Dolphin

Swimming really is the best stress reliever. But I haven't been going as often as I should, so I'll have to build back my swimming muscles. I managed 30 laps today, which isn't the most I can do, but my right shoulder started to really hurt. I really messed it up about three weeks ago, and I've been holding off on getting it checked out, but I really need to see my doctor. Soon. &I really hope that it's not anything too serious, because that would suck so bad. But I'm not trying to jinx it.


to-do list:

listen to happier music that won’t make me cry.
tell myself that my life has a pulse.
keep holding onto this.
keep fighting.
stand up for myself.
stand up.
rise like a sunrise.
breathe. just
breathe.

This is not what I wanted.

stop.

I need you to put down the pencil and listen to me for a second. I need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency. Because I’m throwing my heart on the airwaves and I need you to be alive to hear it. I need you to follow my words even when they’re stumbling, tripping, falling on their face.

This is just going to take a second. I promise.

I think you should know that when I woke up today I was tangled in morning breath and your whispers. I think you should know that I’m dreaming with swollen lips and bleeding cheeks because I keep biting down to stop myself from saying what’s on my mind. I think you should know my mouth is betraying me and when I brush it off, what I mean is, please, for the love of everything, know that I am terrified.

And, I think you should know, despite the fact that I am trembling with needs, I don’t want it. I don’t want to count down the seconds and drag out my day. I don’t want to have to constantly dislodge my heart from the back of my throat when you don’t even know that you jammed it there. I don’t want to write instructions on my walls on how to breathe because suddenly I’m constantly needing a reminder.

I don’t want this.

Because it blindsided me, it plucked me off my track and threw me into another orbit. I was happy with where I was going and suddenly I’m holding my head between my hands with my tongue getting stuck in the whys. I’m beating my dashboard because I didn’t ask for this. I’m incoherent and confused and blindfolded and lost in the middle of the city.

You should know I could pick better. If I wanted to trip like this, I’d find someone safe. I’d find someone with arms around my waist who would make sure I didn’t slam my jaw on the concrete. Not this. I wouldn’t choose to fall without a net. I wouldn’t choose to choke up my heart and spit it out at your feet. But I didn’t choose, my tires slipped on the black ice and I’m careening out of control. I don’t have a choice, I’m pretending to clutch the wheel but no one knows better than me that I’m going to crash into the center divider.

I guess what I’m saying is: I need you.
I guess what you need to know is: it makes me mad as hell.

murder sounds pretty logical.

Why does she have to be so fucking aggravating? I don't understand how one person could cause me to have such a profound hatred for them. At this point, I'm just counting down the days until college starts, and I'll finally be able to leave this hell hole. I honestly can't stand living with my mother.

Honey, you're just a kid.

rose petal ice cream? you definitely need to try this stuff, it's delicious.


so today was ..bad. found out that someone's been saying stuff about me that is mostly untrue/exaggerated? but that's just my life. I wish people would grow the fuck up and stop acting so immature. I mean, honestly, you're twenty years old. So stop acting like this is still middle school.

LovElution || LoveFest

woahh; LoveFest/LovElution. That was sooo much fun 8)


Interesting, for sure. But yeaaah, definitely a good experience. Well, I was pretty paranoid that I was going to get stabbed by a needle. I mean, after hearing those stories about how people go around poking people with needles and spreading AIDs, I was pretty freaked. But I realized that wasn't going to happen, I was just crazy.
It was pretty interesting seeing SF in a different light. It was chaotic. &I loved every minute of it. The city was trashed. It was pretty hard to dance, let alone walk. Every time I took a step, my foot would land on a bottle or some other piece of shit and I would lose balance. Uncool. Stuff like this only happen in sanFran, right? <3


++going out for Indian ice cream tonight, that should be fun 8)
I think I eat ice cream too much. It doesn't even have to be hot out, I actually love eating ice cream when it's freezing cold. I'm crazy. I just went to Ghiradelli on Friday. Maybe I should go on an ice cream diet? That's impossible for me.