Emotionally Unavailable

I need someone, anyone. Pierce kicked me out at four in the morning and I had to bus home. I'm not blaming him for anything because I do realize it was my fault. But I just can't change who I am.

I'm a horrible person.

And it's not like I could ever deny that. Every time a good thing comes around, I end up messing everything up.  I have problems committing. I'm not afraid of commitment, just emotionally unavailable.

Pierce: Problems? Everyone has problems. What makes you think you're the only one living in a messed up life?

p.s. I never said anything about anyone else's problems. btw, i still love you.  8/

stress

sigh, returned from the Bahamas and smacked back into real life. Vacations always relieve all my stress, but when I return, the stress usually comes back full circle. So what's the point? Sure, it's summer. And you might be asking, what could you possibly be stressed from? Well, kindly folk, let me attempt to explain.

90% of my stress comes from just being alive. The other 10% comes from relationships.


& that's as far as I can go without further dissecting my damaged, defective brain without causing a mental breakdown. and I wonder why they call me crazy.

BAHAMAS!

OH MY GAW . The Bahamas is fawking drop dead beautiful! And so commences the extra-long, extra-yummy blog about my vacation at the Bahamas.

First off, I must say that the Bahamas is a very beautiful place. We just happened to come at the wrong time.

The first thing I noticed was the hot&heavy air. It wasn't that bad though, compared to my past experiences with Hawaii. Secondly, as we taxiied to our resort, I noticed a lot of construction work off the side of the road. The taxi driver said that the roads needed fixing. 

My welcoming party came in the form of a dead gecko, brains splattered on the pavement. Apparently my taxi driver drove over it as she dropped us outside off our resort. Wonderful.

Later on, I headed to the private strip of beach claimed by our resort. The sand was beautiful and white, and the water was crystal clear. It was delightfully sunny, but some tourist lady said there had been some light showers on the days before we came. Nothing out of the ordinary, because it is still rainy season in tropical places such as the Bahamas. 

Played in the ocean all day, occasionally taking a dip in the pool, but I prefer salt water over chlorinated stuff any day. Then, I went to a casino/arcade that night and came back around midnight.

Next morning, I woke up bright and early to catch a tropical sunrise. Even though I got there around 6am, the sun had already risen. Disappointment, disappointment. But, took a long walk along the beach while the sky was violent shades of red&orange. Que bonito.

Went downtown, and couldn't find any souvenirs worth purchasing. Well, except for a superAwesome rasta hat w/ the fake dreads and everything. Iloveit!

Took a mini-cruise to the middle of the ocean to do some intense snorkeling. Paid $1 for a bag of fish food and watched as the fishies came to eat, occasionally scraping against my skin with their slimy, cool bodies. There was little fishies that would fit in my hand, and fishes that were almost half my size! Very scary, but it was so much fun!

Then went to an mini-island where we enjoyed lunch and a nice strip of beach. Then it was back on the ship for dancing and drinks.

By the time we got back to the hotel, it had started raining. It was a heavy downpour, but felt wonderful. The rain was slightly warm and felt cool compared to the earlier morning's indescribable heat. Back at my room, I decided it would be a lovely idea to go swimming in the rain. Decided to swim in the pool, because the beach looked scary when it was raining. The water in the pool was warm and I had a great time. No one was out there because of the rain, which made it even better!

After dinner and all, it was around 9pm, so I decided to get some rest. I needed as much sleep as possible if I wanted to catch the sunrise the next day!

Early in the morning, almost missed the first few seconds of the sunrise. Huge clouds also blocked my view, but gave an interesting show as I watched the clouds change from dark grey to red to orange to yellow to white. Then met a German guy in his 40s also watching the sunrise. Had been living on the island for 27 years, just him&his Pops, both of them ran the Rolex store on the island. Told me living on paradise was lonely, people envy you, but no one sticks around long enough to get to know. That explains why he's rich, single & lonely. Poor guy, I just wanted to give him a big fat hug, but that would've sent off the wrong vibes.

Lay on the beach at nighttime, & had the once in a lifetime chance to watch a beautiful lightning storm, minus the thunder. Apparently the lightning was far away enough that the thunder couldn't be heard. It was bloody awesome. Lasted around half an hour, maybe longer. The flashes of lightning came every 2-5 minutes, and I barely blinked, afraid I would miss the flash. Strained my ears to catch the rumbles of thunder, but only heard the ocean waves in front of me and sound of chatter and laughter from the bar behind me. Looked up and I believe I saw the Little Dipper; or was it the Big Dipper? Either way, it was a Dipper and I'm proud to have identified it.

If you've read to this far, I congratulate you. Too bad there is no prize, besides the satisfaction of reading a bunch of pointless crap about my life. Perhaps we will enjoy a sunrise together in the near future. 

bittersweet.

First thing I must say; Happy 46th Birthday, Mr. Johnny Depp. I love you & I want to have your babies 8)

In a few hours, I will be heading to SFO and boarding a plane to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Then I'll take another plane to Bahamas. Earlier today, I dropped off my dog, Coby, at Pet Camp. He'll be staying there while we're on vacation, so it'll be like he's on his own vacation, too! sigh, the house already feels so much lonelier without him around.

Every time I leave San Francisco, I feel bittersweet. Sad, because I'm leaving and I know I'll miss the city, my friends, Coby, my house, etc. But happy, because I'll be on vacation, and I'll meet new people and enjoy experiences that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

Also, I love being on an airplane. I don't care where I go, I just enjoy the plane ride. Most people complain about plane rides for some reason or other, but I think they're so much fun. I always meet new friends on the plane and people are generally very friendly.

I won't have a chance to blog while I'm in the Bahamas, but I will tell you the highlights of the trip when I get back. I'll see you soon!

xoxo,

LEANA

living in the moment

I know that I shouldn't have. But before I knew it, David and I are in a relationship, and it is dangerously beginning to get very serious. ..for once, everything is perfect. If you can overlook our 5 year age difference.

My friends don't approve.

But what do they know. All they see is his age. But it's not even that much of a difference. I don't even need to explain myself. So what the hell am I doing right now? I just need to live in the moment, right?

holding back everything to protect myself

Went to school for a few hours in the morning, and went home afterwards. Felt pent up in my house and needed fresh air, so I took a relaxing walk at Candlestick with Cory, and we had a deep conversation. Just what the doctor ordered, someone to help me dissect my mumbled, jumbled emotions. I am very grateful.

Then I went home and for once in a long time, my heart and mind were at total peace. I'm glad that I had the chance to let everything out. Well, not everything exactly.

There's only so much you can confess, even to your dearest friend. Even to yourself.

I know I'm not a very open person, but I am working on it. It's not healthy for me to keep everything inside. Still, there are things that I have done that I don't think I can ever tell anyone, and I do my best to forget about. But, the memories still haunt me. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't stopped seeing my psychiatrist. Sure, he helped a lot. But, I just felt so helpless around him sometimes, like I was a lab rat just waiting for him to pick at my thoughts. I just can't handle showing any signs of vulnerability.

Anyways, back to the present now. I'll be leaving for the Bahamas tomorrow night, and I'm crazy excited! I need this vacation to 'destressitize' a whole year's worth of mind-sizzling stress.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll find a boytoy to share my vacation with.

Just like last year, on the cruise to Mexico. Yeah, Ian and I still talk on the phone sometimes, but you know how long-distanced relationships go. Besides, we were never serious. We both just wanted a good time and have someone to share it with. We were naughty, naughty kids, and I'll always keep these memories with me. 8)

Don't be mad at me David. You know how it is. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Only difference is, I'll be in the Bahamas.

Day 1 of My Summer `09

Wow. Junior year went by so fast, and before I knew it, it was over. I survived my third year at Lowell! That definitely is a cause for celebration.

Also, I finished all my finals this week and took my SAT II tests this morning. I was too excited to go home afterwards, so I called David, and we went out to eat. I couldn't help but take him back to the Oakland shopping place I went to two weeks ago. I asked if they had any burgers, and the server said that they didn't, but they would be coming out wiht a hamburger pizza soon! How exciting. Went shopping for a little over an hour and bought a new pair of sunglasses and a jacket. You know how random San Francisco weather is. ;)

Then I went home and got ready for dinner. My friends and I had plans to go to Hometown Buffet in San Leandro to celebrate the end of our Junior year. It was really good, and I had a great time there. It was only $13 for dinner and we stayed for two hours without any complaints from the servers! Waaaaay better than Beijing Buffet, although there wasn't any sushi!

We then went to Big Lots to walk off our bloated stomaches. The guys bathroom was flooded and without paper towels, but that didn't stop two guys from using it anyways. Both came out with wet shoes that squeaked really loudly as they walked pass me. Awkward, much?

After that, we headed to the 99cents MEGASTORE, which had sooooo much stuff, all for 99cents, and some for even less! I found a whole bunch of Johnny Depp merchandise, and almost passed out. Grabbed everything with his face on it, and also scored 99cents hairspray, and it was Loreal! Awesome. They had so much cool stuff there, and not everything was super generic brands. There was a lot of things there that were trusted brands, so I really really love that store. I'll be sure to come back to stock up for summer parties!

Everyone came back to my house for a healthy dose of Rock Band, and freakish colored nail polish. Overall, I had a wonderful day, and a great start to my summer.

Also, June 9th I'll be going to Bahamas for my summer vacation. I'm uber excited, but I haven't even started packing yet! *sigh, my summer is going to rock!

if i don't talk about it, maybe it'll go away .

just two more days, if i could just survive two more days. then i would be free, free as a butterfly floated in the springtime air, not a care in the world; no stress, no worries, just simply being.

there i go again, rambling on again. but summer is so close, i can almost feel it. i swear, just three more finals and two SAT tests and my junior year is over! bring on the summer, baby! i'll be going to the Bahamas this year, &i'm mad excited! but only if i survive this week. then it'll be one whole week of me&&mr.sunshine <3

just thinking about it has already cheered me up and put me in a lighter mood. but, underneath the surface, everything is different . .
problems, problems, and more problems.
seems like i can never be in a relationship that is absolutely 100% problem-free. not that i expect anything perfect, it's just that i experience more problems than the average human being. but i don't like discussing my problems. things are diferent when you say them out loud than when you think about them in your head.

"it's as if saying them out loud just makes them more real"