Beauty, Unrestricted.

I love fire. So beautiful, so uncontrollable. So destructive. Today, I witnessed first hand its destructiveness. I watched the factories near my house burn down. A little before 11 this morning I looked out my kitchen window and noticed a dark black cloud coming from a few blocks down and watched as it rose up, up, up and faded to grey, then to nothing. I watched for a couple minutes before heading out there. Called Keith and successfully woke him up. That in itself is was a miracle. He met me at the site, but was still in his pyjamas. Took a few seconds before the fire trucks came, followed by some cruisers and ambulances. Watched the whole thing from across the street, until they told us we had to move down the block a bit, safety reasons. By the end of the day, there would be more

I think the most important part is, before I left the house, I got on my knees. And out of desperation/compassion (is there really a difference?), I prayed. Prayed to God/Jesus Christ/whoever the hell runs this place. There has only been less than a handful of times that I have prayed so feverishly. SO incessantly. Including this prayer, I believe I'm up to my fourth prayer.

As I write this, I am watching as the black clouds fade, slowly but surely from a morbid black to a more forgiving shade of gray. Although there are many fire trucks/cruisers/ambulances on the scene, there is the ongoing background noise of sirens. Making the mood somber, reminding me of my surroundings. And not the smoke is a light shade of grey, almost white. The firemen have won this battle. And I must not forget to thank God/Jesus Christ/whichever entity that had the goodness in their souls to answer my prayer. Amen.

more after the jump.
http://www.whatimseeing.com/2009/08/30/fire-at-wallace-jennings-in-the-bayview-district/

fake it til` you make it .

One would think that a 7 year friendship would survive a failed relationship. But that isn't exactly the case, is it? When one half of the relationship is an immature human male that can't stand the fact that for once in his life, someone didn't want to be romantically involved with him.

These people, they're killing me. More phone calls. More people from a part of my past that I would burn if I could. I want to be able to move on, to at least be able to not have to look back and constantly be reminded of the pain and the confusion. But life doesn't work that way, oh no. Life pulls you down, tests how strong you are and won't let go until it sucks the very last breath from you. But hey, I'll just keep the smile on my face and maybe things will get better soon.

Leaving My Past Behind Me

I give up on the human race. People only dissapoint me, so I can't help but dissapoint them as well.

I've been distancing myself from the party circle. And those kids refuse to let me go without a fight. Kicking and scratching and the whole 500 yards and all. I've still been going to most of the parties, but I've been staying sober. For the most part. But I'm tired of it. Especially the guys. If you're going out to meet the guy of your dreams, you have a negative 1% chance of meeting him at a sleezy semi-underaged party. And I've learned that from experience. Those guys all want the same thing, and I refuse to hand it over to them. But the guys aren't the worse. It's the girls. Girls like me. Yeah, we're all buddy-buddy and whatnot. But you know that once you turn your back someone is talking shit about you and spreading their rumours. We only fake it to please the boys.

But that is a part of my past that I can never erase. Not matter how hard I try. And believe me, I'm still trying.

Onto the brighter side of things, wearing myself out physically is doing wonders for me mentally. I went to play football today. It was really fun, because I actually scored two touchdowns. I'm so proud of myself! Also, I went swimming afterward, but failed miserably and almost drowned because my foot had been hurt during the football game.

When I went home, I recieved some unexpected calls from unexpected people, people that I don't ever want to see or talk to for the rest of my life. Like I said, I'm trying to bury my past and live a healthier life. So there was shouting. And cursing. And tears. Like a mini-soap opera. But I sweated out the drama with some good old fahsioned pilates. Working out always clears my head. Three more days left of summer, and my calendar is packed with last minute attempts to savor summer while planning for the school year as well. If only I had one more week of summer. But hey, everything's looking better and I can't let the bad things hold me down.

Smiling on the Outside.

Daddy agreed to painting one wall in my house orange. I am ecstatic! Also, the wall of our new bar will be orange too! Which makes me doubly happy! Originally, I wanted it to be red, but Daddy wouldn't let, so I settled for the next best thing, which was orange! I read from some website that orange energy brings relief when things are starting to get too serious. And that is exactly what I need right now.
Did I mention that I've had all of four hours of sleep for the past two nights? But my brain is restless. The paint fumes must be getting to me.
I'm writing about meaningless crap so that I don't have to talk about the complicated stuff. Happy on the surface, right? I've been like that for so long, that the real me is afraid to come out.
But I'll end that story right there. Perhaps I can get enough sleep to make it through tennis & swimming & a night at the beach tomorow. Hooray for bonfires, and hooray to attempting sobreity.

btw, i hit Daddys car today. FML

Make yourself available. Then run.

Hello, hello.

Thought about the most recent activities, and was highly dissapointed and highly satisfied with myself.

Hooking up with random guy whose kisses were slobbery & reminded of dog saliva. The worst kiss to date, which I ended quickly, and happened to ruin most of the rest of my evening.

But then, had a movie night with a some old friends. Happily took my mind off of previous experience & did best to make memory dissapear.

Then, didn't hook up with non-random guy that I lovelovelove. Not that I'd ever admit that to him. Taking things too fast always end up in chaos. I would know, every single one of my relationships pretty much end up the same way. So, I am proud of myself for holding back, no matter how hard it was. I'm trying to follow the advice given by a close personal friend, "Make yourself available. Then run." In theory, it makes sense; guys like the chase; therefore I plan to give one hell of a chase. But in practice, it is quite difficult to not give in to your wants and needs.

trippy sleepovers are what we do best.

Blogging from Damien's mini laptop.

The madre thinks I'm preggers. I think not. Like hello, my period just ended two days ago? But try explaining that to her yourself.

btw, Damien is my best friend. Yes, he is quite awesome.

Onwards, my children.

Here's my shoutout for my number one brand of meatless meat, TOFURKY! Damien thinks meatless meat defeats the point of vegetarianism. But it doesn't, because I'm not the one killing the happy cows of california.

8) This is going nowhere and all you've seen is a mumbo jumbo of random spasmic thoughts. Keeping up? Notice the lack of drama. I hope to keep it that way.
Now off to summer reading book #1: Alive in Necropolis. I'm somewhere around the 40th page..? Not a bad read; slightly trippy. But I like trippy.

Good night, my loverlys.

My Life minus The Drama equals Perfection.

Day 5: Meat-less
It hasn't been too difficult keeping up my vegetarianism. The only hard parts are when I go out to eat and when my mom offers me meat/fish. But I'm starting to love tofu and am very thankful for my fruits & veggies, so I've been doing very well, if I do say so myself.

Plus, my new tarot card deck has come. This all ties in to my number one summer goal of beginning the search to find myself. 8) Corny, I know. But there aren't any other ways I can put it. I am a lost little child. Lost, but motivated.

Another thing, lifeguard training. It was killer. I honestly did over 25 laps yesterday. That's the most I've ever done in my life. And I've dropped 5 pounds & gained a little bit of muscle tone. This is probably because of the fact that I've added 20 minutes of pilates 5 days a week. Wow my life sounds perfect.

Onto the Drama. Relationships are painfully awkward. You're stuck with this one person, and you're not allowed to share your unconditional love with anyone but this person. And it sucks. See, Pierce and I were different. As with more guys that I date, there is an understanding that we are allowed to 'enjoy' ourselves with others. Just as long as at the end of the day, you know who you're dating and who you belong to. The one-night stands don't mean a thing, so they shouldn't be ruining the relationship. But what happens when the relationship ends? Are you allowed to hook-up with that ex? Would that just make you friends with benefits? So doesn't that mean that your previous relationship was meaningless? The memories of love still linger, but confusion overshadows them. Also adding to this is the fact that myself & Pierce are at that awkward stage after the end of an intense relationship. At it hurts to know that we aren't truly friends. Just polite acquaintances. So tell me where to go from here.

complications begone <3

aw shucks. could my summer get any better? I'm starting to get off my lazy ass and hooking up with old friends that I would otherwise never see again. And I can't believe I haven't hung out with them before. People who were a part of my past, when it was drama free and life was simple. So it's nice to know that I've shared memories with people that were just simple, happy friendships.

and respecting my wishes for an uncomplicated life, Pierce has agreed to go to being friends. just friends. wow, i love him so much right now. well, considering our 7 year history, it'd be a lot better if we were just friends. but we promised we wouldn't be like those awkward ex's that claim to be friends but aren't really. we're so much closer than that. we love each other too much to let it get like that.

only thing going wrong right now is that summer is quickly coming to an end..

08/07 Day 1

Today marks a new beginning. I have taken a pledge to being vegetarian for the rest of summer. Which is only about 2 more weeks, but if & when I get past that 2 week mark, I will aim for a whole month of vegetarianism. So no meat for Leana. It won't be as difficult as going totally vegan, which is my ultimate goal, but going meatless is harder for me than you'll ever know.

So far, things have been pretty easy. Ate my daily breakfast of cereal & milk, hopefully I'll be making the change to soy milk in the near future, maybe next week? Lunch was cheese quesadillas & meatless macaroni. Then for dinner, rice & steamed eggplants. Everything was very good, and I have no complaints about the food yet. I'll be looking for new recipes soon, and hopefully I'll actually be able to cook some of my own food 8)