Prozac, Ecstacy, it's all the same.

i shouldnt be posting this. im at work right now. and im 'working'. er well, im waiting til 5:30 so that i can leave. what an awesome job; i dont need to do anything but its boring as hell.


so the past few days have been crazy. like a rollercoaster ride. and i havent been giving details since god know when. so here goes;


i believe it was tuesday. the bad, bad day. i dont remember feeling so down since two years ago, when i started seeing Doc. that was scary, but it was a wake up call.
so background; all the way back to freshman year. when i was still looking for a psychologist. i was on my fourth one, i believe. it was difficult, because i completely stopped taking antidepressants. drugs are just against everything that i am. so i had to find a doctor that could fix me, without trying to drug me. and that was difficult. then i found him. and to this day, i still cant remember his name. ive always just called him Doc. and he helped me. and i was thankful. i would go twice a month, sometimes more, depending on my needs. then it was once a month, then eventually once every four months. i was fixed. and then i stopped going completely, sometime in my junior year.


then a lot of stuff happened, and i can't even remember most of it. but bottom line, i was am crazy. it isnt something thats so easy to fix. i tried to hide my thoughts, but it was so easy for me to see that i was different. sometimes my thoughts consumed to the point that i thought i would just die, poisoning myself from the inside with my own thoughts. its possible.


maybe thats why i enjoyed the drugs so much. my first time taking it, i was amazed. my friends just saw it as a fun thing to try, but i was hooked. i hate admitting it, but it was to the point that i was practically dependent on them. because for a couple hours, my brain was numb, and i think thats how you feel when youre happy. readily accessible, my best friend's cousin's boyfriend sold them to me cheap. but then i realized how i weak i was for getting addicted. i want to say that i stopped cold turkey and turned my whole life around, but im still struggling. its not that im addicted to it, but that i turn to them when i cant handle being inside my head. but i thought, how is this any different than taking antidepressants? so ive been voluntarily drug free for more than a week now.


and i will work harder to fix myself. i made an appointment with my psychiatrist, and i promised i would give him a fair chance. i really, truly miss my old Doc. its a shame that he's retired young. i feel that he was the only one that could help me. ive already rescheduled that appointment about five times, but i will go for sure this time.


i know this is a really long post, and if you read through the whole thing, good for you. i just took away five minutes of your life that you will never get back.


p.s. don't mind me. i'm crazy.