revelation #8

maybe  she doesn't understand the world. maybe she finds it a strange place; where she doesn't exist, it seems that everything she could see or touch, hear or feel, is without substance. she is living in a world of silence and questions, of abstraction, of games and cries, of laughter and tears, of joy and light.

But she has control over nothing.

revelation #7: Osmosis

it's brainwashing when she thinks about it;
people telling her that she's a valuable person, that she shouldn't think of dying as an option, that she's worth more than that. It's like they hope that by osmois she'll feel better about herself. she'll be infused with the desire to live.

it's so god damn annoying.

revelation #6: scrambled eggs

Doctor wants to scramble her brain so it doesn't get sad anymore, so she can function like a "normal" person. So that this mindnumbing life she lives can be tolerated. It won't work .... she already knows the answer to the riddle: Life is meaningless. Nothing has any value whatsoever.

Once you know that you can never go back.

revelation #5

there was a coffee shop she sometimes went to, a place she liked for its shabbiness and the oddball music they played. but she was afraid she would run into some one there and she didn't want to have to act normal or explain why she wasn't.

there was no one in the world she could explain it to, because there was no real reason for any of it.

baby, you defragment my life.

happy three months, officially. i know you'll read this sooner or later. and i hope you know i'm very thankful, for everything.

revelation #4

she does some sort of art. music, drawing, or writing, or all three. but not drama, never drama. she loves the idea of being someone she isn't, but she sure isn't enough of a person to be another one.

you could ask her for her name every single day and still get a different answer.

revelation #3

she likes to hold everything inside. when's she frustrated, when she's sad, when she's confused. the things she holds inside slowly eat away and what's left is a hollow body and a soul that's barely hanging on. but after a while, it get's to be too much and her little body can't hold it in any longer. so she takes it out with anger and force. she's never been good with words, anyways. maybe it's healthy to vent once in a while. she learned how to reduce her feelings and focus on the movement of her body instead. it's like everything she learned in her anger management classes just flew out the window.

she's a big girl, so don't go easy on her.

revelation #2

she thinks a lot; over thinks and over analyzes everything, every action -- maybe she picks up subtle things that most people don't, but no one cares whether she has or hasn't.

But maybe that's why she's the way she is.

revelation #1

maybe she feels like she's suffocating between her family and the mountains of stuff in the house and the smallness of it.

Maybe all she wants is to leave this place.

Honey, You're Breaking Your Own Heart

i always keep my pinky finger up like i'm drinking tea, but that's because i'm pretentiously ironic/ironically pretentious, even in bed.

sweetie pie, apple of my eye.

i could spend all my time analyzing you and all these other guys, but there just something different about you. like you're above everyone else. they can't even measure up. that's the thing about you. you're not afraid of me at all. i can be who i am with you. everybody else treats me like nitroglycerine. i treat myself that way sometimes.

sometimes i think i'm the worst one of all.

She Don't Think Straight

your dreams are like a pile of red string in your head and sometimes you want so badly for them to get tangled up with someone elses; but they keep cutting the feeble attempts you've made to get them intertwined and how someone else is tugging at them and you're only allowing them to because they are there and giving you the sick attention you've been searching for, so you keep letting them touch you like that and you keep whispering those lies because you know exactly what they want to hear, and then suddenly they're not assholes anymore. you are, and you keep tying those fake knots between the two of your heartstrings because you know you can, and you can tell that they're falling hard but you simply watch them lose their grip on their understanding of what it is they really want, so you contemplate cutting the strings that holds them to you, and not the other way around, all because you accidentally saw the frayed ends of the severed knots lingering in the hair of the person you really want, and you realize that you've become everything that you hate and exactly what you've always wanted to be at the same time.

this circle never ends

On the streets they call it murder
But you'll never know how much you hurt her.


Doc said it's okay to think about my past, to analyze it if i wished. it can be dangerous, though. it's only okay as long as i don't let it consume me. what was not okay was repression or trying to repress events that i considered 'bad'. so it was a matter of being in control, and not blocking anything out. but i'm weak; without Doc, i just can't.

i can't do this alone