Everything Will Be Alright

Don't worry about the ring I wear
Because as long as no one knows
No one will care.


You're feeling guilty & I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
&baby, I'm not scared.

Happiness is Never Far Away

my tree is growing, with help from my dirty little secret.


i ♥ Lindt Extra Dark Chocolate Truffles
i ♥ the feeling of paint on my feet
i ♥ imported French chocolat noir
i ♥ the way he feels.

girls just wanna have fun

got thizzed at the thizzle. it was only appropriate.
half a green superman, one ecsatsy, four gulps of tequila.
oh my, what ever happened to sobreity?

i haven't lost my mind yet.

hello there. last night, i had three dreams! it was craaazy. especially considering the fact that for the past year or so, i've had a total of around 5 dreams. but before that, i would dream frequently and vividly. then all of a sudden, they just stopped. but i found the secret to getting my dreams back. or well, someone told me the secret. and it seriously fucking works. 8)


++ george carlin is my favorite standup comedian.

I Found My Silver Lining

After work, I went home to finish all my homework. Typical Lowell nerd. I was drowning in homework and on the verge of dying from the stress of it all, when Alex came to the rescue. He just came over and said that he'd take me out for coffee. He's just too good for me. So we went to Pete's Coffee, but since I don't drink coffee, I got a fruit smoothie, yum. Then we went to Sally's Beauty Supply. And I decided it was time for a new color of nail polish. There were so many colors that I wanted, so I couldn't decide. Then, he picked a silver color and said "Every cloud has a silver lining." It was so corny that I wanted to smack some sense into him, but at the same time it was the most appropriate line to describe the whole day. So he bought the bottle for me, and it's by far my favorite bottle of nail polish.

Today could have been another horrible day, but Alex, he's my silver lining.

Love Me Not

I just wanted to
Be the most important thing,
Just for fucking once.

I Don't Think I Can Do This Anymore

So you think you can work on me like I'm some kind of algebra problem, reducing me to fractions, crossing out common denominators, until there's nothing left on the page but a line that says x = whatever it is that is wrong with me. Then you fix it. And we can go on living our perfect little lives.



don't you get it? i'm tired. of this. of trying. of you.

mentally, emotionally

my wednesday schedule is changed yet again. it still will be my day off of work though. but i'll be spending it with someone else from now on. and today was day one. i went to Nathan's house, out by golden gate park. there were so many words left unspoken, i almost wished i hadn't gone there. we ended up at twin peaks, and watched the sunset together. biggest mistake of my life. i was slowly breaking down, and he didn't know what to do. so we sat in his car in silence for about an hour after the sun had set. all i can really remember is the painfully cold air, and my numbness. then he told me to talk. and i told him everything. e v e r y t h i n g &honestly, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder, as cliche as that may sound. i was selfish, and i realize this. but i needed this more than you can ever know.


God, please forgive me for not being there for him; forgive me for not telling him i am so sorry and i love him; please forgive me for not crying into his sweater or being enough.

exhausted.

Potential of You&I

You got me on my knees
Begging, darling please
Darling, won't you ease my worried mind?

I'll give you unconditional love
If you could give me your time.

we are a sunrise.

we are no more than a softly whispered if.

we are smoke rings in the dark, soap bubbles on the lip of the water. we are bright eyes and shy fingers touching through the veil of introductions. we are racing side by side down separate book aisles, not calling out to one another but comforted in the echo of each others' pulse. we are strangers who aren't strange to one another at all, promises scrawled in folded pieces of paper, slipped under door cracks in the middle of the night.

possibilities are glowing iridescent between us, eyes overbright as we dance circles around one another. we're shoved into rooms filtered with sundust, lips praying as palms, fingers caught into oil-dark curls and tracing faintly dimpled cheeks. futures are unwound on the spin of a syllable, one second breaking everything we thought we knew about how our lives would go.

whole existences are leaping forward from the shadows with the power of a freight train, knocking out everything we've ever known to be true. we still haven't found our feet but we're finding them together, stumbling with weak knees and splintering ankles, laughing as we tumble down side by side. because we're nothing new and nothing old. we're recording our pulses and putting them on repeat to dance to all night long.

and suddenly, the most beautiful word in the entire world is if.
suddenly, the most beautiful maybe in the entire world is us.

serial dating only leads to serial dissapointments.

It took me how long to finally realize that this is a fact of life? I guess it was pretty obvious all along. It was only a matter of time before everything backfired. But for now, I step back and attempt to gather the shattered bits&pieces of my life.


Explanation attempt;
Boy 1 was older, more mature. Told me he loved me and was a complete gentlemen. Was willing to wait patiently for me to get past my 'phase' of serial dating and open relationships. Our love was like a candlelight, constant and reliable and calming to the soul.
Boy 2 was my age, and just as free spirited. Never relied on him to give me love, but our time together was always exciting. Our love was like an unreliable torch, burned brightly and beautifully, yet would burn out without a warning.
Both were constants, and I loved each for reasons too different to compare. As time elasped, the pressure to choose grew. And I know, I've been stringing them both along for a little too long. So I made the biggest mistake of my life. I chose Boy 2.
What happened next was like watching an extremely horrible car accident in slow motion right in front of my very eyes.
Boy 1 didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and said there was already enough drama as it was. And left.
Boy 2 said that he couldn't wait around forever, and he loved me. Then he left.


I've said it once, and I'll say it again; love was never meant for me.

love me..?

You can lower your standards, or your pants, but you can't make them love you.
Admit it, there is truth in my words. I should know this, too many situations like this have happened to me. And I always end up hurt and alone, asking myself 'when am I ever going to learn?'

Tired

I'm tired of putting up with you
I'm tired of the things you do
I'm tired of babysitting you
I'm tired of being around you
I'm tired of geting sick
I'm tired of getting worried
I'm tired of your skull being thick
I'm tired of feeling so sorry
I can't take it anymore
I can't keep tearing myself apart
I'm tired of slamming the door
I'm tired of having a broken heart
They say to just ignore you
Just ignore the things you do
But how can I do that wen you don't leave me alone?
Get off your high throne
I am oh so tired of this entire mess
I'm using this time to confess
I no you sometimes mean well
That you try to do things, want my heart to sell
But if you really wanted my best,
Really want my happiness,
Then you would give up the bottle and the crap
All the money, wat does it matter? It's just honey-sap
I'm so tired of dealing with this
I wish I could get a few days of happiness
But everytime you come near me,
I always come out with hurt feelings
I've given you enough chances,
But now I'm done
Everytime you do something right,
You turn it into a fight,
Then I can't sleep that night
If you really love me,
If you really want to be close to me,
Why can't you see?
Wat you're doing to me
You ask me wat's wrong or why I'm not talking
Can't remember last night, I was running, not walking
Locked the door, sat down and cried,
Nothing gets through to you, not even the tears in my eyes
You never remember anything,
Never care about the big things
Everything is material to you,
Face it, I'm not as important as your booze
I wish I was,
I want to be,
I just guess I will never see,
I keep trusting you but I guess I should stop
Aquintences and nothing else,
Just live in the same house,
Why do I bother with you?
Why do I hurt myself trying to talk to you?
I should leave it be and realize that there will never be anything to do,
Nothing to do with you,
You just don't care enough to have a relationship with me,
If you did you would get some help
But you don't care enough to do the one thing I want from you,
I keep trying but I'm so tired
So please don't ask me to try anymore


what a joke. fyi roses are my least favorite flowers; but i guess it just goes to show how much you know about me, asshole. so there, one less boy to worry about in my life.

iLove Halloweenie

Halloween. was. craazy.


So being the responsible, lovable person I was, I took my little cousin out for some good old fashioned trick or treating. It was nice to act like a kid again, but I did get a couple of looks from people who thought I was too old to be trick or treating. Just because I'll be in college next year doesn't mean I'm too old! Screw you old folks who don't allow us to have innocent fun and then castigate us when we have no choice but to turn towards partying, underage drinking, and drugs.


After, I dropped off my little cousin and went to hang out with Krista. We were supposed to do Journey to the End of the Night, but since I took the kid trick or treating, we were too late for that. Instead Krista decided to throw a last minute party. Her mom is the chillest person on the face of this planet. While we were at her house calling up everyone we knew, her mom went on an epic booze run and bought $200+ of drinks. And most of it wasn't the cheap stuff that I hate, either. So my night was pretty crazy, and I will admit that I had a couple shots, but that was it. I kept control. I lovelovelove my Krista boo. Were the only people that can throw an awesome party with less than an hour to plan. I love the way her house is laid out. The main room/ living room is in the heart of the house. And the walls are pretty thick, so not a lot of noise leaks out. Therefore none of the neighbors complained, and the party wasn't busted. Best Halloween so far. Only thing is that it was another sleepness night. I got about two house of sleep, and tonight I'm up late with 'homework'/procrastination. Lack of sleep really does suck major tits.