forgot me not.

She bows her head
"It's not like it matters anymore."
She'd raise her head higher
But she's just forgotten what for.


Her dreams are dead
Sprawled before her on the floor
She'd mend them together
But she sweeps them out through he door.


Her eyes are red
"You can't hurt me anymore."
She'd smile at you softly
But she's used to being ignored.

Physically Verbally & Emotionally [[abused]]

Everyone keeps asking about the bruises. And the cuts. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to those questions? Tell them the whole fucking story and pray that they'll help me out of it? Bullshit.


btw, I'm stupid for ever giving him the benefit of the doubt. What he did was unacceptable and it can't happen again. It just can't.


Am I in an abusive relationship? I just don't know anymore.
Verbally? Emotionally? Physically?
Probably, Definitely, Maybe.

It's only happened once. Last Saturday, that is. Angry words, as usually. Couple punches & shoves too. Then came the tears. And his apologies. So things got a little out of control. One question though, how do I know if this is going to happen again? He is a really great guy, but this just cannot happen again. If just completely threw me the fuck off.
I just want to be in a healthy relationship
 Tell me love, where do we go from here?

craptastic.

there's just so much I want to say right now. but once again, I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. All my previous perceptions about him have completely been wiped away. By one tiny event that couldn't have lasted more than five minutes.
It's not abuse, he just gets a bit out of hand. It's okay, really. I understand.

but on the (not so) brightside, I finally have an idea for what to write my personal statement on! all there's left to do is to actually write the personal statement. hooray

beLIEve

When she looks at him she sees chapped lips,
scraped knees, and everything that shouldn’t be pretty.

He’s the wrinkles in her bed sheets and the knots in her hair.


She grew up thinking life was like a disney movie,
and he grew up knowing it wasn’t.
He was the first one to point out that
believe had the word “lie” in it and
each night she wishes that he hadn’t.


Tonight she says,
“We’re some of the lucky ones that still wake up each morning.”
and he says, “How is that lucky?”

Tomorrow he’ll say, “I want to get drunk with you.”
and she’ll say, “okay.”
Tomorrow he’ll say, “i want your innocence but it’s not because I love you.”
and she’ll say, “okay.”



He makes her sound like a broken record.
His words are her weakness.
He’ll drop his body on her like an anchor
and tomorrow the bed will feel empty without him.




btw;: just when I think I've finally gotten out, I've been pulled back in. Thanks a lot, Krista. I just want to get away from that scene. It really is uncool, love. I've realized this, so when are you gonna?

Monogomy rhymes with Monotony

Yesterday ..was definitely a close call. I am not ready to show my imperfections, my weaknesses. That's not to say I never will, because I want to, trust that I do. But I still need time.
If you won't give in to me, how can you ever expect me to give in to you?

Just Let It Out.

I really do appreciate the ones that let me vent. No matter how much bullcrap and gibberish came out of my mouth, they were there to lend an ear. And the most important thing was that they listened. It may not seem like much to them, but it meant the world to me.

..because my house is not a home.

I hate my mother. I just don't understand how a living, breathing human being could possibly be so god damn stupid and ignorant. If she would stop nagging for maybe five seconds of her life, then maybe, just maybe, there would be a little more peace in the house. I just can't wait for college, when I can finally get out of this hell hole. At this point, I'm not even asking for her to be my friend. I just want her to let me have some peace&quiet in my life. I'm sick & tired of locking myself up in my room everytime she's around. I just want to feel comfortable being in my own house.

Without You, I'd be Naked.

Savoring this heart that's healing. Making excuses just to say your name, hear your voice. I must sound crazy. But that's only because I am crazy. 8)

Obviously my love life is nowhere near normal. &obviously I myself am nowhere near normal.

Btw. I missed out on Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs today. Plans were made, people flaked, plans were cancelled. So I went home. On a Friday night. Without any plans.

Then I got a call; Nathan had a surprise for me? Went to his place and voila! The Dress. ohmigawhd. I mean, his first year at FIDM, barely a couple weeks into school and he's made this really pretty dress. It's his first project, and he said he's done and I can have it. fuuuuck. I love him too much. It looks like something you would pay big bucks for from a store. Except he made it. I suggested that he drop out of school and just start his own clothing line. I would be his number one customer, no lie.

Give In To Me

I was ..rejected? That's a first. It's usually the other way around. New boytoy, new flame. And the vicious cycle starts again.

This one's d i f f e r e n t .

You see, as much as I hate to admit it; Hope is a powerful thing, and I've ben able to hold on long enough to make a difference. Five-years worth of a difference.

Rejection isn't so bad, actually. I was rushing things, and that's a surefire way to make this end badly. So now I'm left to gather up my thoughts and regain my composure. Here's to taking things slowly and doing things right this time around.

Weakness, sweet weakness. How I'd love for you to give in.

You Could Be My Ocean

Do you know you've got the allure
of the ocean, slowly pulling me in?

But I've been with fire and cannot let go.

I loved the rush too much and the lively glow
I loved the fire's passion and chaos
but it always burnt me down.

The ocean makes me sad and lazy
and in it I could drown.
But ocean always had this gentleness
that Fire could never contain.

The fight between them in my head
is driving me insane.

Legitly Grounded

Momma's grounded me. Guess that's my fault for not coming home til' past midnight for the past week, almost. She's angry because they're school nights. But seriously, it's not like I get any homework or studying done either way. So, she's still letting me go out and all. Just can't be driving after 6pm, unless I'm at the pool. That's smart of her, because what the fuck happens before 6pm, right?

That's okay, though. I guess I'll be relying on the bus and whoever the hell would be kind enough to give me a ride.

Yes, it hurts like a bitch. But the only thing you can do is wait it out. And slowly, ever so slowly, things will get better.
And then one day without knowing it you'll have peace with his memory. It will come to you without fanfare or lights or silver trumpets. Just a simple understanding of yourself. You can't ever erase him completely; he'll always be a scar, a stigmata, which, from time to time, will bleed a drop here and there. He'll forever be a part of you, good, bad, whatever. Your heart will tell you it was never meant to be; too much distance between his out of control lifestyle and your longing for a peaceful life.
--Nathan

So now I hold on to this piece of advice. For dear life. Or else otherwise, I just might not make it back alive.

Moving Forward

Today marked a new beginning. I think, or rather, I know, that me&Pierce have finally gotten the closure that we so desperately needed. It sucks, because he's been one of my closest, best friends for the past 7 years. And you might think that, oh, well couldn't you two just be friends? Well, you see, when you become that emotionally attached to someone, and you fall that much in love, you could never go back to being 'just friends'. We tried for a bit, but realized it wasn't going to work out between us. So I knew we had to talk about it and was busy all day with him, trying to sort 'us' out.
And we came to the conclusion that it was better that we just started living separate lives. Which isn't that hard, because we hang out with different crews anyways. I guess it just feels like there's a missing chunk of my life now. But this is the only way that it would work for us, and it took us months to finally accept that fact. So seven years, down the drain. The only thing left is to move forward with my life.

I Love Tofu.

Happy month-a-versary!

One whole month of vegetarianism. And it wasn't even hard! I'm convinced that this is something that I want to do for the rest of my life. But no promises, I just know that my next goal is to make it to the end of 2009 continually meat-free. It seems as though the past month has passed by very quickly and before I knew it, it was done.

Open Minded

Let me attempt to explain what I am feeling, what I am going through.

He stole a piece of her heart. But you see, her soul had been connected to her heart. Because her heart had been deranged by the loss, she'd tried to call back her soul by opening her mind. It didn't work, and she had been without so much of her soul for so long that her open mind was like a gaping wound. Her openness had made her wise, but it was not a wisdom she could do anything useful with. Her mind hurt her all the time, and that constant hurt made her full of pity for everything that hurt. But because her pity came through her mind, it translated as a thought disturbance rather that feeling, and so was hard to express. So she stands before you, full of sympathy she couldn't feel and didn't know how to express.
This is what goes through my mind. These are the things that I don't tell anyone. Because it sounds crazy. Because I am crazy.

I'm Too Young To Feel This Old

How I'd love to ..give in. But I guess it's not that easy. Especially not for me. All the pain & failed relationships. Completely. Screwed. Me. Up.

But there's also all the knowledge, experience that you take with you. Made me a little wiser, a little stronger.

But it's wisdom and insight that I'm too young to be burdened with. I just want to be a kid again. But you can never go back, you can never erase what has already happened. Yeah, it sucks. But you learn to deal with it.

fuuuuuck; senioritis

I'm still online. Which means I probably won't be in bed until 1:30. But I have a programming quiz and my Lit&Psych in-class essay tomorrow. Both of which I am insufficiently prepared for. God I'm so retarded. Well I'll have 15 minutes to study for the quiz in class tomorrow morning, hopefully I can snag a corner seat and cheat my way to success. 8)

But Lit&Psych ..sigh, my teacher gave me the prompt and everything. And I'm allowed to use all the notes that I have. And the books as well. So there should be no excuse as to why I haven't written down any notes. And there aren't any excuses. Just regret for not using my time wisely. I will just have to study like a beast during lunch time (using both books, my notebook, & post-its). I don't know why I do this to myself.

Orange crayons

I legitly need to update my color pencil inventory. All I have is a 12-pack of Crayola color pencils, and a 24-pack of Roseart color pencils. I seriously need to invest in at the very least the 24-pack Crayola color pencils. Or maybe even the 32-pack. Plus, I'm dying for a sketchbook. But I don't have the money to buy it. Well, technically I do, but I'm asian. So shoot me.

Today I drew a crayon. An orange crayon. And it was quite good, or at least I was shocked by how good it looked. Not exactly realistic and 3D and what not. But good enough that it looked 99% like the orange crayola crayon I was modeling. I always feel so happy and stress-less after a good drawing session. So imma get right back to it.

ahem. Happy 1st of september. Schools been stressless-ish. So far.
++there was a bloody loogie in the pool today. & i almost touched it. gross

short post today; been spamming the buycostumes.com forum. &haven't touched my hw yet.