merry belated christmas

Aren't holidays with family fun? It's fascinating how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

Due to family problems, I was a little hesitant to go to the annual Christmas party at my auntie's house. I knew it would be the typical gathering, my parents and I show up late, pretend to be happy, my parent's fight, I stay in my cousin's room until we leave. Not much to look forwards too, right?

buuut, my cousin (big bro!) from LA came and I was so surprised. The last time I saw him was Christmas last year, when he got in a fight with his parents and spent Christmas in SF. I didn't realize it, but I missed him dearly. i made plans to take him out to the movies, but tickets were sold out for Sherlock Holmes. so we rescheduled to saturday night, and afterwards we ate at Denny's because it was midnight and everything else was closed.
We talked a lot, and I was amazed that even though I barely knew him anymore, I felt so comfortable with him. We talked for more than an hour. He found out about my drinking and popping pills. I found out he had a girlfriend, but they seperated very recently. He seemed apprehensive to open up about that, so I didn't push it. We promised that if he ever opened a tattoo shop, and engineering wasn't working out for me, I would become a tattoo artist at his shop.
The night before he left to go back to LA, we hung out for a couple hours. There wasn't much left to say, so we made plans for the future. I said that next time it would be my turn to visit him in LA, hopefully in the summer after I graduate. It was hard, saying goodbye. Because even though I knew I would see him, it wouldn't be until at least 6 months.

p.s. Silly me forgot that I'm not an only child. I've been blessed with two old brothers, one in SF the other in LA, & both are in my heart.

Under The Rain

Can we die in the springtime?
If we have to, anyway? You know that summer wears me out, and that autumn is a shade of winter.
I could never stand to remain among the icicles and cold for ever.
So let's stay here until the grass turns green and the ground is wet and the flowers come out, and we can laugh in each other's arms under the rain, and whisper "What If?" rather than "Within You."
We'll be wet and shivering, but the ground will warm us, and I can keep this hope, that takes me as a mother, that swells in my body. I can carry it for ever and live for ever in it.


Don't let go yet.

I Don't Exist When You Don't See Me

I'd have preferred him to spit in my face than to abandon me like this. Indifference is worse than contempt. The feeling that you no longer exist.

food for thought

he took me to a vegetarian restaurant today. ChaYa, japanese food. so maybe I do forgive him. but that doesn't mean i'll forget

Jerk.

Thanks. For making other plans & cancelling on me. After my crappy day of work? I definitely didn't need that.
But don't worry about it, if you still want your present it's in the trash can. motherfucker.

I'm tired of constantly having to make the effort to make our relationship work just to have you do stupid shit and ruin it for me. Honestly, if you don't want this, you can forget about it. Just tell me, and I'll get up and go.
I hate the thought that maybe I'm just being led on by another typical jerk.

scared half to death.

wait a minute.  Legit near death experience number 3. Or is it number 4?
By Lake Merced, the whole stretch of road where there aren't any street lights. I almost got into a major car accident. Because I was following a friend's car. What a fucking douche.

Beastin` It.

The fact that I'm writing this is proof that I am still alive. I have survived. So today, I went through my craziest, most stressful day at Lowell thus far. So basically I only have 5 classes this semester. 4 out of those 5 classes decided to have their finals today.
My schedule for today was:

• Class
• American DemocracyTest
• Lunch
• Crazy MoFo AP Spanish Test
• Lit&Psych Test/In-Class Essay
• Math Test (on Logarithms)

On top of that, I was extremely sick, possibly on the verge of the flu.

But somehow, I managed. What can I say? I am a beast.

I Hate Wasting Your Time

I'm useless and time consuming. What I need is not what I want. I never chose this. If I had the choice, I would pick another, someone who would put me first.

Meaningless Bullshit

Here we are scurrying around like ants..
Each person has their own little job and they do it, then they go home, then they eat, then they sleep and get up the next day and do it all over again. What's the point? We're all just filling up space. Why do people want to reproduce? So they can bring more children into this overpopulated world so they can fill up space with some meaningless job and then go home and do it all over again the next day?
Doesn't anyone else see how meaningless this is? How we are all consumed with our chores, which are ultimately useless because with the swipe of a broom we can all be swept away into the abyss. Here I am in my pschologist's office trying to get better so I can get back to my life and rush from job to job, killing time until I die of something other than suicide. I take medicine to help me deal with the emptiness of my life. Millions have to take pills to distract us from the sheer boredom of it all. We hurry from thing to thing like ants when we're all just going to end up suffocating anyway.

Love? I Think Not.

We're swirling every color together because we thought we could make a rainbow. But it's just black. It's just brown. It's a mess and we created it. It's hideous and it's our love child.
Are you proud of what we've created?

I Should Follow Your Advice. Should.

"Do you love him?
Leana don't make the same mistake I made,
don't leave something sure for something unsure.
Because you will regret it."

I Need To Stop Taking His Crap

Life's already hard enough as it is. It's becoming a hassle to keep up with all your mood swings. How did I ever let it get to this? I need to be better at following advice.

"Don't let people shit all over you. Don't you ever become some man's personal toilet."

I Don't Know What I Want. But He's Not It.

Took a lovely walk at the park. Watched a lovely sunset, one worthy of Lion King. And it didn't make me sad. Nostalgic, yes; but not sad. It's that feeling you get when you realize that you've finally moved on.


The air was fresh, crisp. The sunset was beautiful. The one with me, he had warm hands. But something still wasn't right. It was the perfect moment, the perfect scene. I think I was just with the wrong person.

You're Not My Only.

No, I don't want to talk to you. And calling me a million times won't change my mind.
One important thing you should know about me: you can say what you say, just as long as it's real.

Big Mistake; Don't tell me how much you can't stand me and how you don't ever want to see my face or talk to me any more, then call me a couple days later and say that you fucked up and that you're sorry.

Yeah, you fucked up. &no, I don't want to ever talk to you again.
As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist anymore.

Escapists Never Lose the Habit of Escapism.

Because I run away from everything.