i hate this feeling.

i always say that i can never feel guilty, because i lack a conscience. but maybe i was just lying to myself. like how i lied to you. i thought, maybe not telling the truth made things easier. but no, that's just me being stupid and stubbornly in denial. the truth is rarely enough. so why do i believe that lying is any better? im an avoider, even when confronted and backed into a corner.

i can lie my way out of anything.

it kills me knowing that i lied, but this is simply how i function. asking me to stop lying is like asking me to stop breathing.

i finally learned how to play the game and you come in and throw everything the fuck off.

shoot me.

i got out of school early again, at 1:40. then i had to walk to my car in the crazy rain. i left my umbrella in the car, because i didnt think it was going to rain, and this insane storm came out of nowhere. so i hung out afterschool for a bit, then left to go to work. i wanted to stay for the playoffs, but im already taking of so many days next week for march madness. so i came to work. my boss is out for the day, and the secretary left right when i got here. so im sitting in the office, all alone. and i left my backpack in my car, so i wont be very productive either. i was planning on staying til 5, but i might just sneak out in a little bit and say i worked 2 hours. and its not like anyone's here to catch me. plus it's raining like crazy, and there's a birthday dinner tonight. and tomorrow night. and the night after that. i swear, it seems like everyone has their birthday in february.

im a really good liar. is that so bad?

i dont this stress

im not good with words; you should know that. i dont know how to put my thoughts into words, or how to tell you how i feel. i dont even know how i feel most of the time.


so that one girl still pisses me the fuck off. she wont stop asking questions and being a dumbass in general. if she would just shut her mouth for five seconds and stop polluting my eardrums with her crap, then maybe she would be able to pay attention long enough to realize that everyone is giving her the answers. honest to god, she stresses me out so bad.

Go-Karting or Work?

currently at work. ive been here since 2:15, and im not doing anything productive. how fun. now i really regret not going to Malibu today. im so stupid, it's not even funny.

You Dont Have to Feel Safe to Feel Unafraid

i climbed a tree today. in the pouring rain. in heels, no less. it's been a while since i've had such a nice day, even though i had a spanish test and an in class essay. that can't bring me down.

i've already started making plans for spring break. i know i should just wait for summer to go down to LA, but it's spring break! we're not planning on actually staying in LA, but in Anaheim, which is about half an hour away. that's not too far right? i want to visit my big bro for a bit. i miss him dearly.

sleepover

where did the weekend go? it flew by a little too fast..
friday was very special. it was our first official sleepover ♥
even though i only had about four hours of sleep that night, it was just perfect.

saturday was a busy day, but not productive at all.
had a group project, but all we did was watch movies and play rock band. it was fun. then later that night, i had to go to a birthday dinner. it was at rainforest cafe, and i havent been there in a while, so it was okay. only one person drove, since it was at the pier and there isn't any cheap parking there. but, we decided to have a last minute after party. so we packed nine people into one car. and four of those guys are former football players. so there was barely any room and i almost got squished to death. plus, the car could barely make it up the hill. it was crazy, but it was worth it. i didn't stay late for the party, and i was sober all night, so i'm proud of myself for that.

sunday i had to wake up early for work. but i didnt have a hangover or anything like that. so it was all good. i wanted to go home and knock out, but got a call and met my friend up at mcclaren. it was still afternoonish, and i was too tired to stick around for the sunset, so i headed home. i didn't get to take a nap that day, but at least i had a good night's sleep. but i guess it wasn't good enough, because i still felt like a zombie today.

inspire me

Playing this card game with hearts at stake. And I'm betting it all baby. Winner takes all and I have the losing hand. When will you take notice?

i want to start drawing again. i keep taking out my sketchbook and sharpening my pencils. but i dont feel inspired. so i just put everything away and drown myself in music. i think my brain stopped functioning.

i'm a dumbass.

so i made a mistake. and i can only blame myself. miscommunication is painful.


i feel so retarded, i just complicated everything. i promised monogamy, right?
..but after what happened today, i couldnt be alone. i just couldnt. you understand, dont you?
so i called up an old 'friend'. old habits die hard..
on the up side, i got to watch the sunset. its been a while since ive had time to just sit and enjoy nature. then i took it a step further and we went to sierra point and had a nice walk and watched the moon.
but today made me think a lot. of where i stand, relationship-wise. and ive come up to the conclusion that, yes, quality is better than quantity. so i probably won't mention this 'slip-up', because i think that it had a positive effect on our relationship.

also, my friend convinced me to celebrate Lent with him. apparently, you're supposed to either give something up, like soda or swearing, or give something, like your free time to volunteering.
so we talked about what he was giving up, which was alcohol and meat, and sundays at the homeless shelter. that was pretty hardcore, and hearing him say that he was gonna give up meat made me want to give something up also, as a way of supporting him.
so he helped me pick, and i decided i would give up fast food, and chips. which is hard, but not extremely. the last one, which is the hardest for me, is being more open and honest. he's known me for a long time, and he thinks that i dont trust people enough, and i never let anyone in. it was painful to hear him talk about me that way, especially since it was the truth. so forty days, of letting people in. this is gonna kill me.

2 down, 3 to go

the colleges i applied to are:
1. calpoly slo
2. calpoly pomona
3. san jose state
4. csu long beach
5. san francisco state


i got my acceptance letter to sf state over a month ago, but it's only my backup college, so no excitement there. today, i found out i got accepted to san jose state! and since its higher on my list than csu long beach, i dont care if i get rejected from long beach. truthfully though, im still waiting as patiently as i can for my letters from the two calpoly campuses. its scary, but at least i got my first acceptance outside of san francisco; im ecstatic!

busy, busy weekend.

friday night; tea party!
we watched How To Be. what a beautifully awkward movie. i like strange movies, but you should already know that.

saturday; skateboarding & charity night
relearned how to skateboard, went more than 15 blocks downhill all the way to ocean beach. it was amazing. then we did some carskateboarding. as in one person drives the car while the other person hops on a board and holds onto the car. i was paranoid that i would accidently drive over my friend. but of course that didn't happen.

sunday; vietnamese new years
woke up at 6am to go to a temple 2 hours away. it's located at the top of some mountain near gilroy. apparently there was a road that snaked around the mountain that eventually led up there. but our GPS found the shortcut that cut straight through the mountain. so we were driving on offroad terrain. good thing it was my mom's suv. or else we probably would've died. it was breathtakingly beautiful. and the air was amazingly fresh! risking our lives was definitely worth it.
then we headed to san jose to celebrate. i left my parents after lunch, and went to go gamble! i suck so bad, i think i just don't have enough good luck. i met a lot of nice people, but most of them lived in sanjose, so i didnt really bother. went home around 4pm and was about to crash, when my cousin called me to come over.
so i went over for dinner and stayed for the party. more gambling, of course. it's new years. i spent 2 hours in the game, and ended up losing money. what a fun way to waste my time.
afterwards, i went out for some late night football. it was either because i was really tired, or the lack of light, but i really sucked last night. i was about to catch a really nice pass, but it brushed a telephone wire and i somehow completely missed it. and it slammed right into my chest. that was painful.

today; i woke up early once again.
had breakfast at my grandma's house. some of my other family was there as well. i had a very deep conversation about life with some cousins. it was very.. healing. after they left, i talked on the phone with my buddy. and out of nowhere, the top part of the window (i don't know what it's called) falls on me! that was not fun, and all i tried to do was close the shades. when i got home, he gave a surprise visit. he's silly, but it made me extremely happy.

between all of that, i barely had time to read. which also means i havent had time to draw, either.

take deep breaths. enjoy life.

three day weekend coming up, things are getting better.
plus, my buddy took my to my favorite thai restaurant for dinner! there's so much to say, but the main point is, everything's looking up.

can you fix me, doc? my life is broken.

i went to see Doc today. and before anything started, i gave him my conditions.
number 1: absolutely no pills.
number 2: no prying, if it makes me uncomfortable


i so wish it was my old Doc. i truly do regret stopping my visits with him, when he was still working. but onto the new Doc. the past couple of visits were spent talking about him. i wasn't too comfortable opening up to a complete stranger, so he told me about his life. but he made me promise to at least try open up to him by our third viait. so i kept that promise. and it's hard to tell someone, especially a stranger, all of your pains and everything you try so hard to hide.


and now i feel mentally and phsyically drained, and exhausted. but at the same time, its been a while since ive opened up that much.
and today was barely scraping the surface.

rephrase & redirect. remember anger management.

today was a crappy day. i was a bitch, but i don't blame myself. i started off in a good mood. until english class. this annoying girl is so retarded, it's not even funny.

taken for granted

today was a long day. partly because it was monday.
my first legit fieldtrip at lowell, yay! and it only took three and a half year. i got to go to the International Gift Show at the moscone. it was amazing. they had the coolest things there. and the chocolate. the chocolate was just delicious. there were lots of free samples, it was like heaven. there were so many things i wanted to buy, and me&myfriend asked if we could buy samples, but they all said 'sorry, come back tomorrow'. since tomorrow would be the last day of the gift show, that was the only day they were willing to sell. otherwise, we had to buy in bulk. so it was slightly dissapointing. until we came to this cute/weird booth that sold little japanese gift items. like those cool cellphone charms. we talked to the guy for a while, and he was extremely cool. we asked if we could buy anything, and he finally pulled out this bag of things he didn't really need. so we asked him the prices, but he just told us to take it. for free!
bussing back to school to get my car was a fail. but it was fun.
then everything went downhill from there.
my 'friend' had another 'emergency'. so i drove over to help his ass. but he doesn't fucking appreciate the things i do for him. and honestly, i'm tired of cleaning up after his mess. we've strictly platonic for the past few months, and i thought that would improve our relationship. but no, it's just as complicated. and lately, the negatives have been infinitely outweighing the positives.


..one day you're gonna need me and i'm not gonna be there. learn to appreciate what you have before she's gone

six months.

it's been half a year, vegetarian. looking back, i regret not having started earlier in life. people ask me how i do it, and whether i still crave the things i used to be able to eat. i just shrug and tell them it comes naturally for me.
so i celebrated by going to work. not. i just needed to pick up my timesheet and turn it in.
then i picked up a dvd that i forgot at my buddy's place. apparently his daddy wants to kill me. it's funny how ive been on quite a few people's hit lists recently.

he was busy, so i went home and tried to nap. but napping doesn't work for me. so i went shopping with my bitches instead.

that's how i celebrated. by going shopping. its just another excuse to spend money. the lady at the counter asked me if i was shopping for valentine's day. i was confused as to why she would ask me this, then i realized all the clothes i bought had some form of red on it. i laughed and told her i don't celebrate valentine's day. she asked me if my boyfriend wanted to celebrate. again, i laughed. i said its complicated, and walked away after i paid.

then we decided to stop by for the vietnamese news year festival in tenderloin. well actually, we went near it, because i wanted thai food. from my favorite thai restaurant.
and finally, the day ended with a sunset. one that actually made me feel better, instead of worse.
it was a long day without you, but the distractions helped me through.

"Engulfed in smoke filled dreams where form is obscured, she is dragged helplessly forward through her own colourful narrative. Her dreams move through stages and changes like the colours in rainbows because for her, things do not appear as they truly are."

Prozac, Ecstacy, it's all the same.

i shouldnt be posting this. im at work right now. and im 'working'. er well, im waiting til 5:30 so that i can leave. what an awesome job; i dont need to do anything but its boring as hell.


so the past few days have been crazy. like a rollercoaster ride. and i havent been giving details since god know when. so here goes;


i believe it was tuesday. the bad, bad day. i dont remember feeling so down since two years ago, when i started seeing Doc. that was scary, but it was a wake up call.
so background; all the way back to freshman year. when i was still looking for a psychologist. i was on my fourth one, i believe. it was difficult, because i completely stopped taking antidepressants. drugs are just against everything that i am. so i had to find a doctor that could fix me, without trying to drug me. and that was difficult. then i found him. and to this day, i still cant remember his name. ive always just called him Doc. and he helped me. and i was thankful. i would go twice a month, sometimes more, depending on my needs. then it was once a month, then eventually once every four months. i was fixed. and then i stopped going completely, sometime in my junior year.


then a lot of stuff happened, and i can't even remember most of it. but bottom line, i was am crazy. it isnt something thats so easy to fix. i tried to hide my thoughts, but it was so easy for me to see that i was different. sometimes my thoughts consumed to the point that i thought i would just die, poisoning myself from the inside with my own thoughts. its possible.


maybe thats why i enjoyed the drugs so much. my first time taking it, i was amazed. my friends just saw it as a fun thing to try, but i was hooked. i hate admitting it, but it was to the point that i was practically dependent on them. because for a couple hours, my brain was numb, and i think thats how you feel when youre happy. readily accessible, my best friend's cousin's boyfriend sold them to me cheap. but then i realized how i weak i was for getting addicted. i want to say that i stopped cold turkey and turned my whole life around, but im still struggling. its not that im addicted to it, but that i turn to them when i cant handle being inside my head. but i thought, how is this any different than taking antidepressants? so ive been voluntarily drug free for more than a week now.


and i will work harder to fix myself. i made an appointment with my psychiatrist, and i promised i would give him a fair chance. i really, truly miss my old Doc. its a shame that he's retired young. i feel that he was the only one that could help me. ive already rescheduled that appointment about five times, but i will go for sure this time.


i know this is a really long post, and if you read through the whole thing, good for you. i just took away five minutes of your life that you will never get back.


p.s. don't mind me. i'm crazy.

thank god.

please make it stop.

my life is a rollercoaster. when i''m feeling up, nothing in the world can stop me. and when i'm feeling down.. well let's just say that you better hope you never see me when i'm down. it's scary sometimes, the thoughts that run through my head. obviously my psychiatrist isn't helping
..maybe it's about time i went back to my psychologist. i just hate feeling so vulnerable, as if he was prying into my soul with his microscope.