merry belated christmas

Aren't holidays with family fun? It's fascinating how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

Due to family problems, I was a little hesitant to go to the annual Christmas party at my auntie's house. I knew it would be the typical gathering, my parents and I show up late, pretend to be happy, my parent's fight, I stay in my cousin's room until we leave. Not much to look forwards too, right?

buuut, my cousin (big bro!) from LA came and I was so surprised. The last time I saw him was Christmas last year, when he got in a fight with his parents and spent Christmas in SF. I didn't realize it, but I missed him dearly. i made plans to take him out to the movies, but tickets were sold out for Sherlock Holmes. so we rescheduled to saturday night, and afterwards we ate at Denny's because it was midnight and everything else was closed.
We talked a lot, and I was amazed that even though I barely knew him anymore, I felt so comfortable with him. We talked for more than an hour. He found out about my drinking and popping pills. I found out he had a girlfriend, but they seperated very recently. He seemed apprehensive to open up about that, so I didn't push it. We promised that if he ever opened a tattoo shop, and engineering wasn't working out for me, I would become a tattoo artist at his shop.
The night before he left to go back to LA, we hung out for a couple hours. There wasn't much left to say, so we made plans for the future. I said that next time it would be my turn to visit him in LA, hopefully in the summer after I graduate. It was hard, saying goodbye. Because even though I knew I would see him, it wouldn't be until at least 6 months.

p.s. Silly me forgot that I'm not an only child. I've been blessed with two old brothers, one in SF the other in LA, & both are in my heart.

Under The Rain

Can we die in the springtime?
If we have to, anyway? You know that summer wears me out, and that autumn is a shade of winter.
I could never stand to remain among the icicles and cold for ever.
So let's stay here until the grass turns green and the ground is wet and the flowers come out, and we can laugh in each other's arms under the rain, and whisper "What If?" rather than "Within You."
We'll be wet and shivering, but the ground will warm us, and I can keep this hope, that takes me as a mother, that swells in my body. I can carry it for ever and live for ever in it.


Don't let go yet.

I Don't Exist When You Don't See Me

I'd have preferred him to spit in my face than to abandon me like this. Indifference is worse than contempt. The feeling that you no longer exist.

food for thought

he took me to a vegetarian restaurant today. ChaYa, japanese food. so maybe I do forgive him. but that doesn't mean i'll forget

Jerk.

Thanks. For making other plans & cancelling on me. After my crappy day of work? I definitely didn't need that.
But don't worry about it, if you still want your present it's in the trash can. motherfucker.

I'm tired of constantly having to make the effort to make our relationship work just to have you do stupid shit and ruin it for me. Honestly, if you don't want this, you can forget about it. Just tell me, and I'll get up and go.
I hate the thought that maybe I'm just being led on by another typical jerk.

scared half to death.

wait a minute.  Legit near death experience number 3. Or is it number 4?
By Lake Merced, the whole stretch of road where there aren't any street lights. I almost got into a major car accident. Because I was following a friend's car. What a fucking douche.

Beastin` It.

The fact that I'm writing this is proof that I am still alive. I have survived. So today, I went through my craziest, most stressful day at Lowell thus far. So basically I only have 5 classes this semester. 4 out of those 5 classes decided to have their finals today.
My schedule for today was:

• Class
• American DemocracyTest
• Lunch
• Crazy MoFo AP Spanish Test
• Lit&Psych Test/In-Class Essay
• Math Test (on Logarithms)

On top of that, I was extremely sick, possibly on the verge of the flu.

But somehow, I managed. What can I say? I am a beast.

I Hate Wasting Your Time

I'm useless and time consuming. What I need is not what I want. I never chose this. If I had the choice, I would pick another, someone who would put me first.

Meaningless Bullshit

Here we are scurrying around like ants..
Each person has their own little job and they do it, then they go home, then they eat, then they sleep and get up the next day and do it all over again. What's the point? We're all just filling up space. Why do people want to reproduce? So they can bring more children into this overpopulated world so they can fill up space with some meaningless job and then go home and do it all over again the next day?
Doesn't anyone else see how meaningless this is? How we are all consumed with our chores, which are ultimately useless because with the swipe of a broom we can all be swept away into the abyss. Here I am in my pschologist's office trying to get better so I can get back to my life and rush from job to job, killing time until I die of something other than suicide. I take medicine to help me deal with the emptiness of my life. Millions have to take pills to distract us from the sheer boredom of it all. We hurry from thing to thing like ants when we're all just going to end up suffocating anyway.

Love? I Think Not.

We're swirling every color together because we thought we could make a rainbow. But it's just black. It's just brown. It's a mess and we created it. It's hideous and it's our love child.
Are you proud of what we've created?

I Should Follow Your Advice. Should.

"Do you love him?
Leana don't make the same mistake I made,
don't leave something sure for something unsure.
Because you will regret it."

I Need To Stop Taking His Crap

Life's already hard enough as it is. It's becoming a hassle to keep up with all your mood swings. How did I ever let it get to this? I need to be better at following advice.

"Don't let people shit all over you. Don't you ever become some man's personal toilet."

I Don't Know What I Want. But He's Not It.

Took a lovely walk at the park. Watched a lovely sunset, one worthy of Lion King. And it didn't make me sad. Nostalgic, yes; but not sad. It's that feeling you get when you realize that you've finally moved on.


The air was fresh, crisp. The sunset was beautiful. The one with me, he had warm hands. But something still wasn't right. It was the perfect moment, the perfect scene. I think I was just with the wrong person.

You're Not My Only.

No, I don't want to talk to you. And calling me a million times won't change my mind.
One important thing you should know about me: you can say what you say, just as long as it's real.

Big Mistake; Don't tell me how much you can't stand me and how you don't ever want to see my face or talk to me any more, then call me a couple days later and say that you fucked up and that you're sorry.

Yeah, you fucked up. &no, I don't want to ever talk to you again.
As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist anymore.

Escapists Never Lose the Habit of Escapism.

Because I run away from everything.

Everything Will Be Alright

Don't worry about the ring I wear
Because as long as no one knows
No one will care.


You're feeling guilty & I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
&baby, I'm not scared.

Happiness is Never Far Away

my tree is growing, with help from my dirty little secret.


i ♥ Lindt Extra Dark Chocolate Truffles
i ♥ the feeling of paint on my feet
i ♥ imported French chocolat noir
i ♥ the way he feels.

girls just wanna have fun

got thizzed at the thizzle. it was only appropriate.
half a green superman, one ecsatsy, four gulps of tequila.
oh my, what ever happened to sobreity?

i haven't lost my mind yet.

hello there. last night, i had three dreams! it was craaazy. especially considering the fact that for the past year or so, i've had a total of around 5 dreams. but before that, i would dream frequently and vividly. then all of a sudden, they just stopped. but i found the secret to getting my dreams back. or well, someone told me the secret. and it seriously fucking works. 8)


++ george carlin is my favorite standup comedian.

I Found My Silver Lining

After work, I went home to finish all my homework. Typical Lowell nerd. I was drowning in homework and on the verge of dying from the stress of it all, when Alex came to the rescue. He just came over and said that he'd take me out for coffee. He's just too good for me. So we went to Pete's Coffee, but since I don't drink coffee, I got a fruit smoothie, yum. Then we went to Sally's Beauty Supply. And I decided it was time for a new color of nail polish. There were so many colors that I wanted, so I couldn't decide. Then, he picked a silver color and said "Every cloud has a silver lining." It was so corny that I wanted to smack some sense into him, but at the same time it was the most appropriate line to describe the whole day. So he bought the bottle for me, and it's by far my favorite bottle of nail polish.

Today could have been another horrible day, but Alex, he's my silver lining.

Love Me Not

I just wanted to
Be the most important thing,
Just for fucking once.

I Don't Think I Can Do This Anymore

So you think you can work on me like I'm some kind of algebra problem, reducing me to fractions, crossing out common denominators, until there's nothing left on the page but a line that says x = whatever it is that is wrong with me. Then you fix it. And we can go on living our perfect little lives.



don't you get it? i'm tired. of this. of trying. of you.

mentally, emotionally

my wednesday schedule is changed yet again. it still will be my day off of work though. but i'll be spending it with someone else from now on. and today was day one. i went to Nathan's house, out by golden gate park. there were so many words left unspoken, i almost wished i hadn't gone there. we ended up at twin peaks, and watched the sunset together. biggest mistake of my life. i was slowly breaking down, and he didn't know what to do. so we sat in his car in silence for about an hour after the sun had set. all i can really remember is the painfully cold air, and my numbness. then he told me to talk. and i told him everything. e v e r y t h i n g &honestly, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder, as cliche as that may sound. i was selfish, and i realize this. but i needed this more than you can ever know.


God, please forgive me for not being there for him; forgive me for not telling him i am so sorry and i love him; please forgive me for not crying into his sweater or being enough.

exhausted.

Potential of You&I

You got me on my knees
Begging, darling please
Darling, won't you ease my worried mind?

I'll give you unconditional love
If you could give me your time.

we are a sunrise.

we are no more than a softly whispered if.

we are smoke rings in the dark, soap bubbles on the lip of the water. we are bright eyes and shy fingers touching through the veil of introductions. we are racing side by side down separate book aisles, not calling out to one another but comforted in the echo of each others' pulse. we are strangers who aren't strange to one another at all, promises scrawled in folded pieces of paper, slipped under door cracks in the middle of the night.

possibilities are glowing iridescent between us, eyes overbright as we dance circles around one another. we're shoved into rooms filtered with sundust, lips praying as palms, fingers caught into oil-dark curls and tracing faintly dimpled cheeks. futures are unwound on the spin of a syllable, one second breaking everything we thought we knew about how our lives would go.

whole existences are leaping forward from the shadows with the power of a freight train, knocking out everything we've ever known to be true. we still haven't found our feet but we're finding them together, stumbling with weak knees and splintering ankles, laughing as we tumble down side by side. because we're nothing new and nothing old. we're recording our pulses and putting them on repeat to dance to all night long.

and suddenly, the most beautiful word in the entire world is if.
suddenly, the most beautiful maybe in the entire world is us.

serial dating only leads to serial dissapointments.

It took me how long to finally realize that this is a fact of life? I guess it was pretty obvious all along. It was only a matter of time before everything backfired. But for now, I step back and attempt to gather the shattered bits&pieces of my life.


Explanation attempt;
Boy 1 was older, more mature. Told me he loved me and was a complete gentlemen. Was willing to wait patiently for me to get past my 'phase' of serial dating and open relationships. Our love was like a candlelight, constant and reliable and calming to the soul.
Boy 2 was my age, and just as free spirited. Never relied on him to give me love, but our time together was always exciting. Our love was like an unreliable torch, burned brightly and beautifully, yet would burn out without a warning.
Both were constants, and I loved each for reasons too different to compare. As time elasped, the pressure to choose grew. And I know, I've been stringing them both along for a little too long. So I made the biggest mistake of my life. I chose Boy 2.
What happened next was like watching an extremely horrible car accident in slow motion right in front of my very eyes.
Boy 1 didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and said there was already enough drama as it was. And left.
Boy 2 said that he couldn't wait around forever, and he loved me. Then he left.


I've said it once, and I'll say it again; love was never meant for me.

love me..?

You can lower your standards, or your pants, but you can't make them love you.
Admit it, there is truth in my words. I should know this, too many situations like this have happened to me. And I always end up hurt and alone, asking myself 'when am I ever going to learn?'

Tired

I'm tired of putting up with you
I'm tired of the things you do
I'm tired of babysitting you
I'm tired of being around you
I'm tired of geting sick
I'm tired of getting worried
I'm tired of your skull being thick
I'm tired of feeling so sorry
I can't take it anymore
I can't keep tearing myself apart
I'm tired of slamming the door
I'm tired of having a broken heart
They say to just ignore you
Just ignore the things you do
But how can I do that wen you don't leave me alone?
Get off your high throne
I am oh so tired of this entire mess
I'm using this time to confess
I no you sometimes mean well
That you try to do things, want my heart to sell
But if you really wanted my best,
Really want my happiness,
Then you would give up the bottle and the crap
All the money, wat does it matter? It's just honey-sap
I'm so tired of dealing with this
I wish I could get a few days of happiness
But everytime you come near me,
I always come out with hurt feelings
I've given you enough chances,
But now I'm done
Everytime you do something right,
You turn it into a fight,
Then I can't sleep that night
If you really love me,
If you really want to be close to me,
Why can't you see?
Wat you're doing to me
You ask me wat's wrong or why I'm not talking
Can't remember last night, I was running, not walking
Locked the door, sat down and cried,
Nothing gets through to you, not even the tears in my eyes
You never remember anything,
Never care about the big things
Everything is material to you,
Face it, I'm not as important as your booze
I wish I was,
I want to be,
I just guess I will never see,
I keep trusting you but I guess I should stop
Aquintences and nothing else,
Just live in the same house,
Why do I bother with you?
Why do I hurt myself trying to talk to you?
I should leave it be and realize that there will never be anything to do,
Nothing to do with you,
You just don't care enough to have a relationship with me,
If you did you would get some help
But you don't care enough to do the one thing I want from you,
I keep trying but I'm so tired
So please don't ask me to try anymore


what a joke. fyi roses are my least favorite flowers; but i guess it just goes to show how much you know about me, asshole. so there, one less boy to worry about in my life.

iLove Halloweenie

Halloween. was. craazy.


So being the responsible, lovable person I was, I took my little cousin out for some good old fashioned trick or treating. It was nice to act like a kid again, but I did get a couple of looks from people who thought I was too old to be trick or treating. Just because I'll be in college next year doesn't mean I'm too old! Screw you old folks who don't allow us to have innocent fun and then castigate us when we have no choice but to turn towards partying, underage drinking, and drugs.


After, I dropped off my little cousin and went to hang out with Krista. We were supposed to do Journey to the End of the Night, but since I took the kid trick or treating, we were too late for that. Instead Krista decided to throw a last minute party. Her mom is the chillest person on the face of this planet. While we were at her house calling up everyone we knew, her mom went on an epic booze run and bought $200+ of drinks. And most of it wasn't the cheap stuff that I hate, either. So my night was pretty crazy, and I will admit that I had a couple shots, but that was it. I kept control. I lovelovelove my Krista boo. Were the only people that can throw an awesome party with less than an hour to plan. I love the way her house is laid out. The main room/ living room is in the heart of the house. And the walls are pretty thick, so not a lot of noise leaks out. Therefore none of the neighbors complained, and the party wasn't busted. Best Halloween so far. Only thing is that it was another sleepness night. I got about two house of sleep, and tonight I'm up late with 'homework'/procrastination. Lack of sleep really does suck major tits.

meow.

Last night was wonderful. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. What more is there to say?


Love is a war & you were my biggest battle.
p.s. I won 8)

empty lightbulbs are bad ideas.

power on

i remember that ever-so somber spiral staircase of a storm; oh, don't think i'll ever forget the macabre sequence of high-voltage events that forever scarred my luminosity: your weathered rhetoric tripped the stratosphere, and The Sky slid down a flight of frightening silhouettes. thunderclouds climbed through our ozone layer, precipitating the downfall of us. your capricious bolts overcharged and crashed into my murky plane-of-thought. i'm afraid of the grotesque shadows surging through our intertwined veins, yet the whimsical flashes of (im)possibility only blind my hexed eyes from subtle verity.

how many romantic addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
who cares?
you'll never screw me, so just give up now!

do you see my funnybone shaking?
you think your jokes are so fucking clever, huh?
well, i'll have you know:
i popped my humerus out of its socket–
but that wasn't for you.
i shoved a bad idea in its electric socket–
but that wasn't for you.
i packed my suitcase full of broken lightbulbs,
threatening to move to the seventeenth century
when candlesticks didn't float above my head–
but no, that wasn't for you either.

i did it so i'd never have to face the mocking dark again.
i did it so i'd never have to face your face again.
i did it because static hearts can't stay inactive forever,
because your mouth is shocking enough without its batteries,
and because my warranty only lasts twelve heartbreaks.

at least that's what i'll keep telling myself anyway...

/poweroff

He Sets My Soul Alight

rawr. missed out on West Fest because of senior boat & the afterparty. i honestly had less than an hour of sleep last night, but took a nap from 1-4pm. that did not even make up for it. i was planning on sleeping from 11-2, then waking up and heading out for West Fest, but my body needed sleep so badly, i would have died.

senior boat was fuuun. expensive, but i'd say it was pretty worth it. problem was, the whole time i was with my date, i couldn't help but think about someone else. someone that i'd much rather spend the night with. still managed to have fun though.

there were several afterparties that night, but we ended up staying at only one. pretty fun too, i've never seen that much lowell kids at one party before. and i didn't even get fucked up this time. i'm so proud of myself. but i missed out on West Fest with an amazing guy. only reason i'm not regretting it so much is that i'll be seeing him soon either way.



Don’t you know I suffer?
Can’t you hear me mourn?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?
I thought I was a fool for no one
But baby, I'm a fool for you.

This One's Different.

Melting into you, &falling in love. Somehow, being with you feels fine.

He makes me feel like it's time for me to settle down. As in only one guy. Monotonous relationship. Can you tell? I'm scared shitless.

no after parties..?

oh dear. momma caught me sneaking in at 2something in the morning after I went out for soccer/boys. she threatened to not let me go to senior boat. but I know I'm going regardless, since I already paid for my ticket. and it was $55. buuut, it would suck if she doesn't let me stay out after for the after parties. she's thinking about dropping me off and picking me up right after. FML

on the brightside of things, Fiesta on the Hill was awesome. there were goats and raffel tickets and funnel cakes and music and baby pigs and face painting! Marlene painted my face & i painted myself a glittery black heart. fuuuun

moonlit soccer matches

going out for soccer in a bit. crazy, right?
number one: i don't know how to play soccer. at all.
number two: i only know about two of the guys that are going. i don't know any of the other guys.
number three: it's at midnight. at balboa park


this is me being spontaneous and making new friends. even though soccer at midnight at balboa is pretty cutty. hope i don't get raped and murdered

Hansel & Gretel

I bought my costume for Senior Boat, the theme being Hansel&Gretel. I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about finding my costume anymore.

Contacts

I had a contact lense fitting appointment today. That was fun. You should know by know that I am paranoid. Very paranoid. So I thought it would be pretty impossible for me to poke anything onto my eyeball, especially not a little rubbery, plastic contact lense. It was actually super easy, and it didn't even hurt! I think I was just scared of the idea of poing my eyeball with my finger, but I overcame that fear in about 2 seconds. I'm pretty proud of myself.
So I tried on grey contacts and green contacts. That shit wasn't gonna work. It looked so fake, and it sort of made me look like I had messed up/blind eyes. Not even funny.
So I'm starting off with one-day disposables, and I love them so far. Just pop them in & pop them out, right? I won't have to worry about cleaning them or taking care of them, since I can just throw them away. That sounds perfect for someone like me 8)

*My week is still extrememely packed, and that's not helping with the stress. Where The Wild Things Are comes out this weekend, but I'll have to postpone it to next weekend. That sucks so bad, but it'll be worth the wait.

exhausted

How do we get out of this? Because neither one of us will to admit we were wrong.
&I'm sick and tired of fighting with you.

Silence Kills the Soul.

I left my heart out on the steps.
I went to fly a kite.

we are speaking in grey-scale rainbows.

I am filled to the brim with emptiness.
I am waiting for things that won't come.

If you were real I wouldn't want you.

There is nothing to say now. I'm talking just to talk. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't believe I'll ever get what I want.



when I say "you" I don't know who I mean. when I say "love" I pause and wonder what it is. When I feel grass between my toes and scabs against my skin I think of failures. failures, failures and hope.

I dream about kisses. I dream about tears. I dream about how I can't ever say what I want to say because I'm always too afraid.


I talk about freedom. I talk about love. I talk and talk and talk and talk but I am still not getting what I want.

just shut your eyes and turn over
just shut your mouth and pose right
just clench your fists and don't think

the thoughts are like acid tonight


bite your lip little girl, you're alright
bite your lip little girl, you'll survive

sober

I don't care cute he is. Or how much of a gentleman he was the other night. I hate guys that completely switch personalities when they're drunk. It's disgusting.
So Saturday night, I went to this bonfire at Ocean Beach. I didn't know anyone except Ben. And the asshole left me because I refused to get shitfaced & went to hook up with this whore that was a drunken mess. I ended up mooching a ride off of some stranger that was probably drunk, even though he swore he wasn't. Remind me not to ever talk to him again. FML

You're a Jerk.

“What I don’t understand is why girls really, really, really want that nice guy, but once they find one, they can’t date him because now they need a jerk.” —Rob


The man speaks the truth.


hasta luego, bonfire @ the beach tonight. thank god for columbus day weekend.

I'm a Dolphin

Swimming really is the best stress reliever. But I haven't been going as often as I should, so I'll have to build back my swimming muscles. I managed 30 laps today, which isn't the most I can do, but my right shoulder started to really hurt. I really messed it up about three weeks ago, and I've been holding off on getting it checked out, but I really need to see my doctor. Soon. &I really hope that it's not anything too serious, because that would suck so bad. But I'm not trying to jinx it.


to-do list:

listen to happier music that won’t make me cry.
tell myself that my life has a pulse.
keep holding onto this.
keep fighting.
stand up for myself.
stand up.
rise like a sunrise.
breathe. just
breathe.

This is not what I wanted.

stop.

I need you to put down the pencil and listen to me for a second. I need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency. Because I’m throwing my heart on the airwaves and I need you to be alive to hear it. I need you to follow my words even when they’re stumbling, tripping, falling on their face.

This is just going to take a second. I promise.

I think you should know that when I woke up today I was tangled in morning breath and your whispers. I think you should know that I’m dreaming with swollen lips and bleeding cheeks because I keep biting down to stop myself from saying what’s on my mind. I think you should know my mouth is betraying me and when I brush it off, what I mean is, please, for the love of everything, know that I am terrified.

And, I think you should know, despite the fact that I am trembling with needs, I don’t want it. I don’t want to count down the seconds and drag out my day. I don’t want to have to constantly dislodge my heart from the back of my throat when you don’t even know that you jammed it there. I don’t want to write instructions on my walls on how to breathe because suddenly I’m constantly needing a reminder.

I don’t want this.

Because it blindsided me, it plucked me off my track and threw me into another orbit. I was happy with where I was going and suddenly I’m holding my head between my hands with my tongue getting stuck in the whys. I’m beating my dashboard because I didn’t ask for this. I’m incoherent and confused and blindfolded and lost in the middle of the city.

You should know I could pick better. If I wanted to trip like this, I’d find someone safe. I’d find someone with arms around my waist who would make sure I didn’t slam my jaw on the concrete. Not this. I wouldn’t choose to fall without a net. I wouldn’t choose to choke up my heart and spit it out at your feet. But I didn’t choose, my tires slipped on the black ice and I’m careening out of control. I don’t have a choice, I’m pretending to clutch the wheel but no one knows better than me that I’m going to crash into the center divider.

I guess what I’m saying is: I need you.
I guess what you need to know is: it makes me mad as hell.

murder sounds pretty logical.

Why does she have to be so fucking aggravating? I don't understand how one person could cause me to have such a profound hatred for them. At this point, I'm just counting down the days until college starts, and I'll finally be able to leave this hell hole. I honestly can't stand living with my mother.

Honey, you're just a kid.

rose petal ice cream? you definitely need to try this stuff, it's delicious.


so today was ..bad. found out that someone's been saying stuff about me that is mostly untrue/exaggerated? but that's just my life. I wish people would grow the fuck up and stop acting so immature. I mean, honestly, you're twenty years old. So stop acting like this is still middle school.

LovElution || LoveFest

woahh; LoveFest/LovElution. That was sooo much fun 8)


Interesting, for sure. But yeaaah, definitely a good experience. Well, I was pretty paranoid that I was going to get stabbed by a needle. I mean, after hearing those stories about how people go around poking people with needles and spreading AIDs, I was pretty freaked. But I realized that wasn't going to happen, I was just crazy.
It was pretty interesting seeing SF in a different light. It was chaotic. &I loved every minute of it. The city was trashed. It was pretty hard to dance, let alone walk. Every time I took a step, my foot would land on a bottle or some other piece of shit and I would lose balance. Uncool. Stuff like this only happen in sanFran, right? <3


++going out for Indian ice cream tonight, that should be fun 8)
I think I eat ice cream too much. It doesn't even have to be hot out, I actually love eating ice cream when it's freezing cold. I'm crazy. I just went to Ghiradelli on Friday. Maybe I should go on an ice cream diet? That's impossible for me.

forgot me not.

She bows her head
"It's not like it matters anymore."
She'd raise her head higher
But she's just forgotten what for.


Her dreams are dead
Sprawled before her on the floor
She'd mend them together
But she sweeps them out through he door.


Her eyes are red
"You can't hurt me anymore."
She'd smile at you softly
But she's used to being ignored.

Physically Verbally & Emotionally [[abused]]

Everyone keeps asking about the bruises. And the cuts. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to those questions? Tell them the whole fucking story and pray that they'll help me out of it? Bullshit.


btw, I'm stupid for ever giving him the benefit of the doubt. What he did was unacceptable and it can't happen again. It just can't.


Am I in an abusive relationship? I just don't know anymore.
Verbally? Emotionally? Physically?
Probably, Definitely, Maybe.

It's only happened once. Last Saturday, that is. Angry words, as usually. Couple punches & shoves too. Then came the tears. And his apologies. So things got a little out of control. One question though, how do I know if this is going to happen again? He is a really great guy, but this just cannot happen again. If just completely threw me the fuck off.
I just want to be in a healthy relationship
 Tell me love, where do we go from here?

craptastic.

there's just so much I want to say right now. but once again, I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. All my previous perceptions about him have completely been wiped away. By one tiny event that couldn't have lasted more than five minutes.
It's not abuse, he just gets a bit out of hand. It's okay, really. I understand.

but on the (not so) brightside, I finally have an idea for what to write my personal statement on! all there's left to do is to actually write the personal statement. hooray

beLIEve

When she looks at him she sees chapped lips,
scraped knees, and everything that shouldn’t be pretty.

He’s the wrinkles in her bed sheets and the knots in her hair.


She grew up thinking life was like a disney movie,
and he grew up knowing it wasn’t.
He was the first one to point out that
believe had the word “lie” in it and
each night she wishes that he hadn’t.


Tonight she says,
“We’re some of the lucky ones that still wake up each morning.”
and he says, “How is that lucky?”

Tomorrow he’ll say, “I want to get drunk with you.”
and she’ll say, “okay.”
Tomorrow he’ll say, “i want your innocence but it’s not because I love you.”
and she’ll say, “okay.”



He makes her sound like a broken record.
His words are her weakness.
He’ll drop his body on her like an anchor
and tomorrow the bed will feel empty without him.




btw;: just when I think I've finally gotten out, I've been pulled back in. Thanks a lot, Krista. I just want to get away from that scene. It really is uncool, love. I've realized this, so when are you gonna?

Monogomy rhymes with Monotony

Yesterday ..was definitely a close call. I am not ready to show my imperfections, my weaknesses. That's not to say I never will, because I want to, trust that I do. But I still need time.
If you won't give in to me, how can you ever expect me to give in to you?

Just Let It Out.

I really do appreciate the ones that let me vent. No matter how much bullcrap and gibberish came out of my mouth, they were there to lend an ear. And the most important thing was that they listened. It may not seem like much to them, but it meant the world to me.

..because my house is not a home.

I hate my mother. I just don't understand how a living, breathing human being could possibly be so god damn stupid and ignorant. If she would stop nagging for maybe five seconds of her life, then maybe, just maybe, there would be a little more peace in the house. I just can't wait for college, when I can finally get out of this hell hole. At this point, I'm not even asking for her to be my friend. I just want her to let me have some peace&quiet in my life. I'm sick & tired of locking myself up in my room everytime she's around. I just want to feel comfortable being in my own house.

Without You, I'd be Naked.

Savoring this heart that's healing. Making excuses just to say your name, hear your voice. I must sound crazy. But that's only because I am crazy. 8)

Obviously my love life is nowhere near normal. &obviously I myself am nowhere near normal.

Btw. I missed out on Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs today. Plans were made, people flaked, plans were cancelled. So I went home. On a Friday night. Without any plans.

Then I got a call; Nathan had a surprise for me? Went to his place and voila! The Dress. ohmigawhd. I mean, his first year at FIDM, barely a couple weeks into school and he's made this really pretty dress. It's his first project, and he said he's done and I can have it. fuuuuck. I love him too much. It looks like something you would pay big bucks for from a store. Except he made it. I suggested that he drop out of school and just start his own clothing line. I would be his number one customer, no lie.

Give In To Me

I was ..rejected? That's a first. It's usually the other way around. New boytoy, new flame. And the vicious cycle starts again.

This one's d i f f e r e n t .

You see, as much as I hate to admit it; Hope is a powerful thing, and I've ben able to hold on long enough to make a difference. Five-years worth of a difference.

Rejection isn't so bad, actually. I was rushing things, and that's a surefire way to make this end badly. So now I'm left to gather up my thoughts and regain my composure. Here's to taking things slowly and doing things right this time around.

Weakness, sweet weakness. How I'd love for you to give in.

You Could Be My Ocean

Do you know you've got the allure
of the ocean, slowly pulling me in?

But I've been with fire and cannot let go.

I loved the rush too much and the lively glow
I loved the fire's passion and chaos
but it always burnt me down.

The ocean makes me sad and lazy
and in it I could drown.
But ocean always had this gentleness
that Fire could never contain.

The fight between them in my head
is driving me insane.

Legitly Grounded

Momma's grounded me. Guess that's my fault for not coming home til' past midnight for the past week, almost. She's angry because they're school nights. But seriously, it's not like I get any homework or studying done either way. So, she's still letting me go out and all. Just can't be driving after 6pm, unless I'm at the pool. That's smart of her, because what the fuck happens before 6pm, right?

That's okay, though. I guess I'll be relying on the bus and whoever the hell would be kind enough to give me a ride.

Yes, it hurts like a bitch. But the only thing you can do is wait it out. And slowly, ever so slowly, things will get better.
And then one day without knowing it you'll have peace with his memory. It will come to you without fanfare or lights or silver trumpets. Just a simple understanding of yourself. You can't ever erase him completely; he'll always be a scar, a stigmata, which, from time to time, will bleed a drop here and there. He'll forever be a part of you, good, bad, whatever. Your heart will tell you it was never meant to be; too much distance between his out of control lifestyle and your longing for a peaceful life.
--Nathan

So now I hold on to this piece of advice. For dear life. Or else otherwise, I just might not make it back alive.

Moving Forward

Today marked a new beginning. I think, or rather, I know, that me&Pierce have finally gotten the closure that we so desperately needed. It sucks, because he's been one of my closest, best friends for the past 7 years. And you might think that, oh, well couldn't you two just be friends? Well, you see, when you become that emotionally attached to someone, and you fall that much in love, you could never go back to being 'just friends'. We tried for a bit, but realized it wasn't going to work out between us. So I knew we had to talk about it and was busy all day with him, trying to sort 'us' out.
And we came to the conclusion that it was better that we just started living separate lives. Which isn't that hard, because we hang out with different crews anyways. I guess it just feels like there's a missing chunk of my life now. But this is the only way that it would work for us, and it took us months to finally accept that fact. So seven years, down the drain. The only thing left is to move forward with my life.

I Love Tofu.

Happy month-a-versary!

One whole month of vegetarianism. And it wasn't even hard! I'm convinced that this is something that I want to do for the rest of my life. But no promises, I just know that my next goal is to make it to the end of 2009 continually meat-free. It seems as though the past month has passed by very quickly and before I knew it, it was done.

Open Minded

Let me attempt to explain what I am feeling, what I am going through.

He stole a piece of her heart. But you see, her soul had been connected to her heart. Because her heart had been deranged by the loss, she'd tried to call back her soul by opening her mind. It didn't work, and she had been without so much of her soul for so long that her open mind was like a gaping wound. Her openness had made her wise, but it was not a wisdom she could do anything useful with. Her mind hurt her all the time, and that constant hurt made her full of pity for everything that hurt. But because her pity came through her mind, it translated as a thought disturbance rather that feeling, and so was hard to express. So she stands before you, full of sympathy she couldn't feel and didn't know how to express.
This is what goes through my mind. These are the things that I don't tell anyone. Because it sounds crazy. Because I am crazy.

I'm Too Young To Feel This Old

How I'd love to ..give in. But I guess it's not that easy. Especially not for me. All the pain & failed relationships. Completely. Screwed. Me. Up.

But there's also all the knowledge, experience that you take with you. Made me a little wiser, a little stronger.

But it's wisdom and insight that I'm too young to be burdened with. I just want to be a kid again. But you can never go back, you can never erase what has already happened. Yeah, it sucks. But you learn to deal with it.

fuuuuuck; senioritis

I'm still online. Which means I probably won't be in bed until 1:30. But I have a programming quiz and my Lit&Psych in-class essay tomorrow. Both of which I am insufficiently prepared for. God I'm so retarded. Well I'll have 15 minutes to study for the quiz in class tomorrow morning, hopefully I can snag a corner seat and cheat my way to success. 8)

But Lit&Psych ..sigh, my teacher gave me the prompt and everything. And I'm allowed to use all the notes that I have. And the books as well. So there should be no excuse as to why I haven't written down any notes. And there aren't any excuses. Just regret for not using my time wisely. I will just have to study like a beast during lunch time (using both books, my notebook, & post-its). I don't know why I do this to myself.

Orange crayons

I legitly need to update my color pencil inventory. All I have is a 12-pack of Crayola color pencils, and a 24-pack of Roseart color pencils. I seriously need to invest in at the very least the 24-pack Crayola color pencils. Or maybe even the 32-pack. Plus, I'm dying for a sketchbook. But I don't have the money to buy it. Well, technically I do, but I'm asian. So shoot me.

Today I drew a crayon. An orange crayon. And it was quite good, or at least I was shocked by how good it looked. Not exactly realistic and 3D and what not. But good enough that it looked 99% like the orange crayola crayon I was modeling. I always feel so happy and stress-less after a good drawing session. So imma get right back to it.

ahem. Happy 1st of september. Schools been stressless-ish. So far.
++there was a bloody loogie in the pool today. & i almost touched it. gross

short post today; been spamming the buycostumes.com forum. &haven't touched my hw yet.

Beauty, Unrestricted.

I love fire. So beautiful, so uncontrollable. So destructive. Today, I witnessed first hand its destructiveness. I watched the factories near my house burn down. A little before 11 this morning I looked out my kitchen window and noticed a dark black cloud coming from a few blocks down and watched as it rose up, up, up and faded to grey, then to nothing. I watched for a couple minutes before heading out there. Called Keith and successfully woke him up. That in itself is was a miracle. He met me at the site, but was still in his pyjamas. Took a few seconds before the fire trucks came, followed by some cruisers and ambulances. Watched the whole thing from across the street, until they told us we had to move down the block a bit, safety reasons. By the end of the day, there would be more

I think the most important part is, before I left the house, I got on my knees. And out of desperation/compassion (is there really a difference?), I prayed. Prayed to God/Jesus Christ/whoever the hell runs this place. There has only been less than a handful of times that I have prayed so feverishly. SO incessantly. Including this prayer, I believe I'm up to my fourth prayer.

As I write this, I am watching as the black clouds fade, slowly but surely from a morbid black to a more forgiving shade of gray. Although there are many fire trucks/cruisers/ambulances on the scene, there is the ongoing background noise of sirens. Making the mood somber, reminding me of my surroundings. And not the smoke is a light shade of grey, almost white. The firemen have won this battle. And I must not forget to thank God/Jesus Christ/whichever entity that had the goodness in their souls to answer my prayer. Amen.

more after the jump.
http://www.whatimseeing.com/2009/08/30/fire-at-wallace-jennings-in-the-bayview-district/

fake it til` you make it .

One would think that a 7 year friendship would survive a failed relationship. But that isn't exactly the case, is it? When one half of the relationship is an immature human male that can't stand the fact that for once in his life, someone didn't want to be romantically involved with him.

These people, they're killing me. More phone calls. More people from a part of my past that I would burn if I could. I want to be able to move on, to at least be able to not have to look back and constantly be reminded of the pain and the confusion. But life doesn't work that way, oh no. Life pulls you down, tests how strong you are and won't let go until it sucks the very last breath from you. But hey, I'll just keep the smile on my face and maybe things will get better soon.

Leaving My Past Behind Me

I give up on the human race. People only dissapoint me, so I can't help but dissapoint them as well.

I've been distancing myself from the party circle. And those kids refuse to let me go without a fight. Kicking and scratching and the whole 500 yards and all. I've still been going to most of the parties, but I've been staying sober. For the most part. But I'm tired of it. Especially the guys. If you're going out to meet the guy of your dreams, you have a negative 1% chance of meeting him at a sleezy semi-underaged party. And I've learned that from experience. Those guys all want the same thing, and I refuse to hand it over to them. But the guys aren't the worse. It's the girls. Girls like me. Yeah, we're all buddy-buddy and whatnot. But you know that once you turn your back someone is talking shit about you and spreading their rumours. We only fake it to please the boys.

But that is a part of my past that I can never erase. Not matter how hard I try. And believe me, I'm still trying.

Onto the brighter side of things, wearing myself out physically is doing wonders for me mentally. I went to play football today. It was really fun, because I actually scored two touchdowns. I'm so proud of myself! Also, I went swimming afterward, but failed miserably and almost drowned because my foot had been hurt during the football game.

When I went home, I recieved some unexpected calls from unexpected people, people that I don't ever want to see or talk to for the rest of my life. Like I said, I'm trying to bury my past and live a healthier life. So there was shouting. And cursing. And tears. Like a mini-soap opera. But I sweated out the drama with some good old fahsioned pilates. Working out always clears my head. Three more days left of summer, and my calendar is packed with last minute attempts to savor summer while planning for the school year as well. If only I had one more week of summer. But hey, everything's looking better and I can't let the bad things hold me down.

Smiling on the Outside.

Daddy agreed to painting one wall in my house orange. I am ecstatic! Also, the wall of our new bar will be orange too! Which makes me doubly happy! Originally, I wanted it to be red, but Daddy wouldn't let, so I settled for the next best thing, which was orange! I read from some website that orange energy brings relief when things are starting to get too serious. And that is exactly what I need right now.
Did I mention that I've had all of four hours of sleep for the past two nights? But my brain is restless. The paint fumes must be getting to me.
I'm writing about meaningless crap so that I don't have to talk about the complicated stuff. Happy on the surface, right? I've been like that for so long, that the real me is afraid to come out.
But I'll end that story right there. Perhaps I can get enough sleep to make it through tennis & swimming & a night at the beach tomorow. Hooray for bonfires, and hooray to attempting sobreity.

btw, i hit Daddys car today. FML

Make yourself available. Then run.

Hello, hello.

Thought about the most recent activities, and was highly dissapointed and highly satisfied with myself.

Hooking up with random guy whose kisses were slobbery & reminded of dog saliva. The worst kiss to date, which I ended quickly, and happened to ruin most of the rest of my evening.

But then, had a movie night with a some old friends. Happily took my mind off of previous experience & did best to make memory dissapear.

Then, didn't hook up with non-random guy that I lovelovelove. Not that I'd ever admit that to him. Taking things too fast always end up in chaos. I would know, every single one of my relationships pretty much end up the same way. So, I am proud of myself for holding back, no matter how hard it was. I'm trying to follow the advice given by a close personal friend, "Make yourself available. Then run." In theory, it makes sense; guys like the chase; therefore I plan to give one hell of a chase. But in practice, it is quite difficult to not give in to your wants and needs.

trippy sleepovers are what we do best.

Blogging from Damien's mini laptop.

The madre thinks I'm preggers. I think not. Like hello, my period just ended two days ago? But try explaining that to her yourself.

btw, Damien is my best friend. Yes, he is quite awesome.

Onwards, my children.

Here's my shoutout for my number one brand of meatless meat, TOFURKY! Damien thinks meatless meat defeats the point of vegetarianism. But it doesn't, because I'm not the one killing the happy cows of california.

8) This is going nowhere and all you've seen is a mumbo jumbo of random spasmic thoughts. Keeping up? Notice the lack of drama. I hope to keep it that way.
Now off to summer reading book #1: Alive in Necropolis. I'm somewhere around the 40th page..? Not a bad read; slightly trippy. But I like trippy.

Good night, my loverlys.

My Life minus The Drama equals Perfection.

Day 5: Meat-less
It hasn't been too difficult keeping up my vegetarianism. The only hard parts are when I go out to eat and when my mom offers me meat/fish. But I'm starting to love tofu and am very thankful for my fruits & veggies, so I've been doing very well, if I do say so myself.

Plus, my new tarot card deck has come. This all ties in to my number one summer goal of beginning the search to find myself. 8) Corny, I know. But there aren't any other ways I can put it. I am a lost little child. Lost, but motivated.

Another thing, lifeguard training. It was killer. I honestly did over 25 laps yesterday. That's the most I've ever done in my life. And I've dropped 5 pounds & gained a little bit of muscle tone. This is probably because of the fact that I've added 20 minutes of pilates 5 days a week. Wow my life sounds perfect.

Onto the Drama. Relationships are painfully awkward. You're stuck with this one person, and you're not allowed to share your unconditional love with anyone but this person. And it sucks. See, Pierce and I were different. As with more guys that I date, there is an understanding that we are allowed to 'enjoy' ourselves with others. Just as long as at the end of the day, you know who you're dating and who you belong to. The one-night stands don't mean a thing, so they shouldn't be ruining the relationship. But what happens when the relationship ends? Are you allowed to hook-up with that ex? Would that just make you friends with benefits? So doesn't that mean that your previous relationship was meaningless? The memories of love still linger, but confusion overshadows them. Also adding to this is the fact that myself & Pierce are at that awkward stage after the end of an intense relationship. At it hurts to know that we aren't truly friends. Just polite acquaintances. So tell me where to go from here.

complications begone <3

aw shucks. could my summer get any better? I'm starting to get off my lazy ass and hooking up with old friends that I would otherwise never see again. And I can't believe I haven't hung out with them before. People who were a part of my past, when it was drama free and life was simple. So it's nice to know that I've shared memories with people that were just simple, happy friendships.

and respecting my wishes for an uncomplicated life, Pierce has agreed to go to being friends. just friends. wow, i love him so much right now. well, considering our 7 year history, it'd be a lot better if we were just friends. but we promised we wouldn't be like those awkward ex's that claim to be friends but aren't really. we're so much closer than that. we love each other too much to let it get like that.

only thing going wrong right now is that summer is quickly coming to an end..

08/07 Day 1

Today marks a new beginning. I have taken a pledge to being vegetarian for the rest of summer. Which is only about 2 more weeks, but if & when I get past that 2 week mark, I will aim for a whole month of vegetarianism. So no meat for Leana. It won't be as difficult as going totally vegan, which is my ultimate goal, but going meatless is harder for me than you'll ever know.

So far, things have been pretty easy. Ate my daily breakfast of cereal & milk, hopefully I'll be making the change to soy milk in the near future, maybe next week? Lunch was cheese quesadillas & meatless macaroni. Then for dinner, rice & steamed eggplants. Everything was very good, and I have no complaints about the food yet. I'll be looking for new recipes soon, and hopefully I'll actually be able to cook some of my own food 8)

#4: TRUST

FML

My poor, poor DS. Last summer I messed up the hinge by unconsciously rolling over it while talking on the phone. I didn't break it persay, it just didn't click into place anymore and the hinges swung around violently.

This time, the right hinge completely broke off and it now hangs procariously on one hinge. Everything still works, but it's just sooo unattractive. I need to get it fixed. Only thing is, it costs ~$75 to $100 to repair the hinge. I might as well buy a new one right?

Wrong. I'm soo broke it's not even funny right now. I saved $70 for my Heelys and another $70 for my Reeboks. Plus the expensive $45 haircut that didn't even make a difference. And I haven't even incuded the large amount of money I spent buying the ingredients for my signature jello shots. I don't even collect fade money for them!

Maybe if I'm lucky my parents will agree to pay for the repair. Or I can trade with one of my little cousins, hehe.

I need to stop spending money. Summer definitely is draining my wallet. It would probably help if I had a summer job, but no one finds me worth hiring. Also, going out almost everyday isn't helping much. There's always someone asking for a kick it day, which usually involves some kind of stop at a food joint. Which involves the spendage of money. Money that I'm running out of. FML

shrimp balls

Bus trip to UCBerkeley. Took a nice, quick nap until we got to BerkeleyBionics. Met a couple engineers building some cyborg/Iron Man shits. One of them was a cutie <3

Hoped back on the bus to Berkeley and had 2 hours of lunch. Couldn't decide on Mexican, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, or Thai. Leaned towards Thai but gave into Japanese. I can't resist bento boxes & shrimp balls. 8)

After lunch, went on campus, and I saw a squirrel. Not like the grey squirrels at Candlestick park, but beautiful red and brown squirrels! Me encanta. Followed it a bit before sitting down next to a large pile of woodchips. Suprisingly, the curious squirrel came closer. Fished out my mini-box of rasins and managed to coax it closer. When it was close enough to touch my hand, I freaked and tossed the rasin onto the floor. Squirrels are dangerous little critters, I wouldn't want to risk my finger!

Sigh, the Berkeley campus was sooo beautiful and mellow and serene an peaceful. If anything, I'd attend the school just because of the campus.

summer of L.O.V.E.

Ahem. Harry Potter was the BOMB. End of story.

++ Krista & I are dumb hos 8) I just wanted to mention that.

I'm so over drama. It should be illegal for me to use that word. Because I use it way too much. But that's entirely because Pierce&I were comitted and complicated. And my on&off fling w/ David. These boys are killing me. I just want a peaceful life. Is that too much to ask for?

Seriously though, imma beat Krista, because I have a secret weapon. What is it you ask? Well I can't tell you because it's secret and she'll most likely read this anyways. Going out to a party tonight though, Steve's house. Wish me luck <3

Trust

I do. I do trust you and I do know that you're there for me no matter what. It's not that I don't want to, but it's just my nature to keep everything bottled up. I have many, many great friends that I know will stand by me and are willing to help me with my problems. But I do hate to complicate things.

Strangers aren't complicated, though. I can meet a completely random stranger and confide in him/her my deepest darkest secrets, knowing that they could never hurt me because I probably won't ever see them again. But confiding in my closest friends is difficult, impossible even. I know you must be thinking, "Oh, this girl must have horrible friends if she can't even share her darkest secrets with them."

See, that's where you're wrong.

I love my friends to death and I would hate to empty my baggage onto them. So by not telling them my secrets, I am actually protecting them. Thay won't have to feel sorry for me, like "Poor Leana, she has such a horrible life." I don't need anyone's pity.

 It's just the way I am.

 

#3: If you love me, don't hold me back.

#2: Don't disregard the things left unsaid.

#1: Don't love me because you think I'm different

Emotionally Unavailable

I need someone, anyone. Pierce kicked me out at four in the morning and I had to bus home. I'm not blaming him for anything because I do realize it was my fault. But I just can't change who I am.

I'm a horrible person.

And it's not like I could ever deny that. Every time a good thing comes around, I end up messing everything up.  I have problems committing. I'm not afraid of commitment, just emotionally unavailable.

Pierce: Problems? Everyone has problems. What makes you think you're the only one living in a messed up life?

p.s. I never said anything about anyone else's problems. btw, i still love you.  8/

stress

sigh, returned from the Bahamas and smacked back into real life. Vacations always relieve all my stress, but when I return, the stress usually comes back full circle. So what's the point? Sure, it's summer. And you might be asking, what could you possibly be stressed from? Well, kindly folk, let me attempt to explain.

90% of my stress comes from just being alive. The other 10% comes from relationships.


& that's as far as I can go without further dissecting my damaged, defective brain without causing a mental breakdown. and I wonder why they call me crazy.

BAHAMAS!

OH MY GAW . The Bahamas is fawking drop dead beautiful! And so commences the extra-long, extra-yummy blog about my vacation at the Bahamas.

First off, I must say that the Bahamas is a very beautiful place. We just happened to come at the wrong time.

The first thing I noticed was the hot&heavy air. It wasn't that bad though, compared to my past experiences with Hawaii. Secondly, as we taxiied to our resort, I noticed a lot of construction work off the side of the road. The taxi driver said that the roads needed fixing. 

My welcoming party came in the form of a dead gecko, brains splattered on the pavement. Apparently my taxi driver drove over it as she dropped us outside off our resort. Wonderful.

Later on, I headed to the private strip of beach claimed by our resort. The sand was beautiful and white, and the water was crystal clear. It was delightfully sunny, but some tourist lady said there had been some light showers on the days before we came. Nothing out of the ordinary, because it is still rainy season in tropical places such as the Bahamas. 

Played in the ocean all day, occasionally taking a dip in the pool, but I prefer salt water over chlorinated stuff any day. Then, I went to a casino/arcade that night and came back around midnight.

Next morning, I woke up bright and early to catch a tropical sunrise. Even though I got there around 6am, the sun had already risen. Disappointment, disappointment. But, took a long walk along the beach while the sky was violent shades of red&orange. Que bonito.

Went downtown, and couldn't find any souvenirs worth purchasing. Well, except for a superAwesome rasta hat w/ the fake dreads and everything. Iloveit!

Took a mini-cruise to the middle of the ocean to do some intense snorkeling. Paid $1 for a bag of fish food and watched as the fishies came to eat, occasionally scraping against my skin with their slimy, cool bodies. There was little fishies that would fit in my hand, and fishes that were almost half my size! Very scary, but it was so much fun!

Then went to an mini-island where we enjoyed lunch and a nice strip of beach. Then it was back on the ship for dancing and drinks.

By the time we got back to the hotel, it had started raining. It was a heavy downpour, but felt wonderful. The rain was slightly warm and felt cool compared to the earlier morning's indescribable heat. Back at my room, I decided it would be a lovely idea to go swimming in the rain. Decided to swim in the pool, because the beach looked scary when it was raining. The water in the pool was warm and I had a great time. No one was out there because of the rain, which made it even better!

After dinner and all, it was around 9pm, so I decided to get some rest. I needed as much sleep as possible if I wanted to catch the sunrise the next day!

Early in the morning, almost missed the first few seconds of the sunrise. Huge clouds also blocked my view, but gave an interesting show as I watched the clouds change from dark grey to red to orange to yellow to white. Then met a German guy in his 40s also watching the sunrise. Had been living on the island for 27 years, just him&his Pops, both of them ran the Rolex store on the island. Told me living on paradise was lonely, people envy you, but no one sticks around long enough to get to know. That explains why he's rich, single & lonely. Poor guy, I just wanted to give him a big fat hug, but that would've sent off the wrong vibes.

Lay on the beach at nighttime, & had the once in a lifetime chance to watch a beautiful lightning storm, minus the thunder. Apparently the lightning was far away enough that the thunder couldn't be heard. It was bloody awesome. Lasted around half an hour, maybe longer. The flashes of lightning came every 2-5 minutes, and I barely blinked, afraid I would miss the flash. Strained my ears to catch the rumbles of thunder, but only heard the ocean waves in front of me and sound of chatter and laughter from the bar behind me. Looked up and I believe I saw the Little Dipper; or was it the Big Dipper? Either way, it was a Dipper and I'm proud to have identified it.

If you've read to this far, I congratulate you. Too bad there is no prize, besides the satisfaction of reading a bunch of pointless crap about my life. Perhaps we will enjoy a sunrise together in the near future. 

bittersweet.

First thing I must say; Happy 46th Birthday, Mr. Johnny Depp. I love you & I want to have your babies 8)

In a few hours, I will be heading to SFO and boarding a plane to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Then I'll take another plane to Bahamas. Earlier today, I dropped off my dog, Coby, at Pet Camp. He'll be staying there while we're on vacation, so it'll be like he's on his own vacation, too! sigh, the house already feels so much lonelier without him around.

Every time I leave San Francisco, I feel bittersweet. Sad, because I'm leaving and I know I'll miss the city, my friends, Coby, my house, etc. But happy, because I'll be on vacation, and I'll meet new people and enjoy experiences that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

Also, I love being on an airplane. I don't care where I go, I just enjoy the plane ride. Most people complain about plane rides for some reason or other, but I think they're so much fun. I always meet new friends on the plane and people are generally very friendly.

I won't have a chance to blog while I'm in the Bahamas, but I will tell you the highlights of the trip when I get back. I'll see you soon!

xoxo,

LEANA

living in the moment

I know that I shouldn't have. But before I knew it, David and I are in a relationship, and it is dangerously beginning to get very serious. ..for once, everything is perfect. If you can overlook our 5 year age difference.

My friends don't approve.

But what do they know. All they see is his age. But it's not even that much of a difference. I don't even need to explain myself. So what the hell am I doing right now? I just need to live in the moment, right?