revelation #41

some people are just born sad.

revelation #40

i allowed it to consume me
until there was nothing left

revelation #39

Who are you Dan Brown? I have not come so close as to touching any of your books, and yet your words have touched my soul.

"God is God, and we are not. He knows 

that, but we are quick to forget it."

How You Like Them Apples

girls are like apples on trees.
the bestones are at the top of
the tree. boys don't want to reach for the
good apples because they are afraid of falling
and getting hurt. instead, they get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. so 
theapples at the top think something is wrong
with them, when in fact,
they are amazing.
they just have to
wait for the right
boy, the ♥one who
will risk everything,
who's brave enough
to climb all the way
_____@____@_____to the top of the tree.______@__@___

--Pete Wentz

revelation #38

When he's not paying attention, she stares at him and squints, 
hoping to bring an out-of-focus man back into focus

revelation #37

she parts the waters swirling in her mind, ordering herself to push aside memories of that night as long as she could. she would drown if she thought about it.


now she had to swim

i'm so emotionally spent and he's so emotionally unavailable

revelation #36

She is wasting away
& wonders is maybe someday
he will come and save her
from her state of apathy
but she can't believe in fairytales
when there's no such things
as a happy ending.


She is wasting her days
in pieces she can't put to place
she has surrendered to her apathy
she keeps wasting her days
in solitude, no one's to say
and all that is left is apathy

revelation #35

so it really can happen, then. in real life. a thing you've seen in bad tv dramas and turned over because it's so implausible. only this time there is no turning over and maybe no turning back. one moment the world is pretty much as it should be, rocky and a little barren, perhaps, but still the world as you know it -- 


and then suddenly you have the sensation of the ground giving way under your feet.

Teason Tran-Le Miao

If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

revelation #34

my cupboards are filled with pride, and i am considering building a shed out back where i can store the surplus, because every time i consider opening up to him about what i am going through, i immediately dump the thought in the trash, ashamed of how foolish and vulnerable i'd look.

i'm tired of looking stupid and vulnerable

revelation #33

when you set out to live according to some grand master plan, you are essentially assuring yourself a lifetime of dissapointment. expectation is planned dissapointment,

and i am noting if not a planner.

meow.

baby, can you believe it's been an entire year? i don't know where this journey will take us, but i'm glad we're on this journey together.

revelation #32

i want  a love without any restrictions

don't make me hold myself back

revelation #31

I have adopted God into my life. I'm 18. I talk to Him daily.

It has me wondering, is this the end of insanity in my life, 

or the beginning?

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
                                          - Bob Marley

revelation #30

a lot of the guys she went out with were nothing.

but i guess that's the safest kind.

revelation #29

she's always been a good listener. this is probably because early on, she learned that the key to listening is not with the ears, but with the eyes and the heart. listen with the intent to understand, not reply.

she only wished that others had learned this vital life skill as well.

I've never felt alone until I met you.

FYI

well i'll say this: a sacrifice of something non-essential is hardly a sacrifice at all

revelation #28

at times, it felt like her hopes and dreams exploded and floated up in a mushroom cloud. 

what do you do when the world has declared nuclear war on you?

Subtract the Swirlies

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

                                   -- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

revelation #27

isn't it ironic how humans who try so hard to search through the rubble of life to find pebbles of truth could be so stubbornly blind about their own lives?

Can You Hear Me Now?

maybe he was used to them chalking up whatever decisions she made to a peculiar kind of logic, all his own. it excused so much;; it excused everything. he was an artist, he was moody, he was selfish. he needed his sleep he needed his space, he needed his time. if he'd kept himself apart from the rest of the world, these things would have just been quirky annoyances. but that was the thing. he did involve other people. he reached out, drew them close. you couldn't just pick and choose at will when someone depended on you, or loved you. it wasn't like a light switch, easy to shut on or off. if you were in, you were in. if you were out, your were out. it didn't seem complicated at all.

in fact it was the simplest thing in the world.

so i guess this is how it ends.
*revelation 23

all grown up

college has started, as of last wednesday. classes don't seem so tough, but i can't judge yet, the semester has barely even started. i'm slightly worried about math class, because it seems to be my toughest class so far. but, i will do my best to stay on top of my game and graduate as soon as possible. which might take five or six years, because of my major. the hardest part is being away from my lover, even though i know i can always talk to him on the phone and online, and i'll see him most weekends. during the summer, we got to be together almost 24/7, and now i have to wait until the weekend until i get to see him again. but when his school year starts, who knows how often i'll actually get to see him. there's a lot of free time during college. my monday and wednesday classes go from 12-6pm. tuesday classes go from 8am-3pm. and thursday i have class at 8-9am, and then 12-3pm. so i basically have a full schedule, three classes each day, except thursday, which has four. but when i'm not in class, there's not much to do. i hang out with the new people i've met here. go eat, hang out in someone's room, watch tv, go online. there's not much to do when you're stuck on campus. it could get pretty boring around here, if you lock yourself up in your room. but since i have a lot of free time, hopefully i'll use it wisely and study or do homework. i have math homework everyday, so i'll also try my best to study everyday i do homework. and i'll be working on a lot of essays this semester, i know there will be more than 10. also i have many group projects coming up. it seems like school work will be taking up most of my time, so who knows is i have the time to join a club or something. the school year has just started, so we'll see how everything works out.

revelation #26

there has been a confrontation, a showdown of sorts, followed by a cooling off period. memories become distorted, imaginings of what could have been grew exaggerated, and annoyances got dismissed, even forgotten. it's what happened in absence, and the longer it went on, the greater the crash that would come from giving it another try.

it was like trying to correct your posture. you know that you slouch, so you straighten your back and vow to forever sit up right, only to find a moment later, 

you're hunched over again.

revelation #25

fault lines; there are places where the earth breaks apart. the ground is crumbling under us.

maybe it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion.

revelation #24

 there are moments when i waited, and there are days when i find myself apologizing because everything wasn't perfect for someone else,

whether or not it had anything to do with me.

revelation #23

maybe she likes him because he reminds her of past events that still bring a smile to her face, 

even though they're associated with someone who doesn't always make her smile these days.

Hawaii

recently got back from my trip to Hawaii w/ the husband. it was really fun, but it did feel a bit short. the weather was nice, not extremely hot, but hot enough to enjoy the beach. a lot of time was spent at the beach, swimming and playing in the sand. i didn't tan much during the vacation, nor during the entire summer either. i think i spent about four days a week tanning last summer. that was over doing. so i tried to make up for it this summer, spending a lot less time in the sun. we went snorkeling, which was really fun. it was also really scary. i'm used to snorkeling tours where they take you out on a boat to clear blue waters that are at least 20 feet deep. so you can still see the bottom, but there's no fear that you'll brush up into a reef. but this was a new experience. apparently there was a sea turtle, but it was near big reefs, so i freaked out and turned back towards shore. we went to the dole plantation, to get some pineapple ice cream, which i think is an absolute must, if you're going to Hawaii. we also spent a night at dave&busters, which was really fun. won a lot of tickets, somehow; and i still don't understand how. on the last day, we went jet skiing, which was really exciting. i was a bit scared at first, because every time we drove through a wave, the jet ski would jump in the air, and bounce back onto the surface of the water; which was painful, but fun. i rode it for a bit, but was afraid i would flip the jet ski. overall, i'd say the trip was a success, and it was an awfully nice honeymoon ♥

revelation #22

she imagines from up above, a plane passing over. from the plane, you'd just see one little light in all this dark, with no idea of the lives being lived within it, and in the next, and next to that one. there was so much happening in the world, night and day, hour by hour. she knew that's why humans were meant to sleep, if only to check out of reality for a little while.

but what if she decided to sleep the rest of her life away?

revelation #21

maybe there are some days like that where she doesn't know anymore where she's going, and maybe she feels like she doesn't have any luck at all, and that's just too bad. yes, it's sad, but fortunately, at the end, there's always this little thing that gets her up in the morning. no guarantee, but she thinks that one day, one day things will get better.

somtimes, it's just impossible to believe.

revelation #20

she liked to pretend that they were difficult, even for a second. because that made things more fun. but in reality, everyone she knew was typical. they were too easy. and the game wasn't much of a game. maybe she was happy in her ignorance. but maybe she knew it wouldn't last for long. soon she gets tired of the game. and maybe lady luck is on her side. and she'll find someone who she's comfortable with and she might even decide to settle down. and maybe things will get serious, and before she knows it, she trusts him with all that she is. and she can only hope that he does the same.

she's not the same desperate, lonely girl who hooked up with any guy just to feel loved.

revelation #19

maybe she found her life pointless, and maybe she had nothing to fight for. she was given many chances, and there were many possibilities and what ifs. but maybe to her, it was a bunch meaningless bull. maybe all she needed was a push, a little motivation, a reason to live.

what good did it do to light the world on fire if i had to watch the glow alone?

Never Forget. Never Forgive.

"You've got to put the past behind you now. What's dead is dead, and life is for the alive, my dear. We could have a life, us two. Maybe not like I dreamed, maybe not like you remember, but we could get by."  --Mrs. Lovett

revelation #18

she still wonders why you try so desperately to create meaning out of the void that is her life. she'd asked for nothing. maybe she would prefer if you hated her, as she probably deserves.

her fall would be less painful, both for her and for you.

Diamond in the Rough

"If success were gold, lying in rivers, love was a diamond, buried hundreds of feet beneath the surface of the earth and unrecognizable in its natural form."  --K. Hannah

revelation #17

he wants a lot from this world. and she knows that he'll get what he wants. her, she just wants him. it ain't exactly lock&key perfect is it? her only regret is not always being able to tell him she loves him.

she does, it's just so damned hard to believe in.

revelation #16

she's always been surrounded by people. physically, she was rarely alone. maybe because she knew it was dangerous for her to be alone for too long. she was unstable. it wasn't like she didn't have friends. she had too many friends, so she stopped keeping track of them. plans were usually made with minimal effort on her part, and she was always 'with' someone. but there was something else. an emptiness in her mind. she could be surrounded by people who cared about her, or at least wanted to be around her, and she'd still feel painfully alone.

she had lots of love to give; but she was much too alone.

revelation #15

maybe she feels like she's bleeding -- but it isn't blood that leaks out, not something that could be so easily transfused.

instead, she was losing her dreams.

revelation #14

all she had ever wanted was to forget. but even when she thought she had, pieces kept on emerging here and there, like bits of wood floating to the surface that only hinted at the shipwreck below. because that is what happens when she tries to run from her past. it doesn't just catch up to her: it over takes, blotting out the future, the landscape, even the very sky, until there is no path left except for the one that leads through it.

the only one that can ever take her home.

revelation #13

i don't entirely believe it's a healthy thing for a person to spend so much time inside her own head. it's a trap.

one i know all too well.

i love you, but i'm weak

i'm scared of you. not so much scared, but afraid. there is a difference. i wish you were a typical guy. things would be so much easier; i wouldn't be as happy as i am now, but at least i wouldn't feel so weak.

know this; if i had a choice, it would absolutely have been someone else. someone safer.

fun-guy

first time doing shrooms, and i was lucky enough to share the experience with my lover.

don't ever let me forget this day. ever.

revelation #12

punching someone in the face is not freaking out. i mean, to me freaking out is different. more of a running away, not telling anyone what's wrong, slowly simmering until you burst kind of thing.

but well, i guess it's just a matter of semantics.

revelation #11

maybe she wishes she loved him less. it was dangerous to feel this way; she felt like a naked infant exposed to the elements. fragile and infinitely afraid. he could ruin her someday.

of that she had no doubt.

revelation #10

maybe her makeup is her warpaint. because you can't look into her eyes when her eyeliner shields her from your prying eyes,

she built a wall, an illusion so that she wouldn't look so small.

revelation #9

maybe she likes real life rollercoaster rides. she like the excitement of danger, but in the back of her mind, she knows nothing bad could ever happen. rollercoasters are always checked and maintained properly to avoid any problems. but maybe she's afraid of emotional rollercoasters. maybe, deep down, she's just a scared little girl. she pretends she's strong enough and climbs on board the rollercoaster. everything's fine, as long as things are looking up. but the second things start going downhill, maybe she doesn't have the guts to stay on the ride, and she just ditches. it's always been like this for her. once things start looking bad, she just leaves. maybe she's afraid that once things go downhill, she will crash and burn into the ground. maybe, he's teaching her to see that yes, things will go downhill, but that doesn't mean that she will crash & burn.

maybe all she needs is to learn how to hold on.

end of my high school career.

saturday night, thurgood's prom.
sunday night, lowell's prom.
monday, napping day
tuesday, senior picnic
wednesday, grad rehearsal
thrusday, graduation

high school passed by so quickly.

revelation #8

maybe  she doesn't understand the world. maybe she finds it a strange place; where she doesn't exist, it seems that everything she could see or touch, hear or feel, is without substance. she is living in a world of silence and questions, of abstraction, of games and cries, of laughter and tears, of joy and light.

But she has control over nothing.

revelation #7: Osmosis

it's brainwashing when she thinks about it;
people telling her that she's a valuable person, that she shouldn't think of dying as an option, that she's worth more than that. It's like they hope that by osmois she'll feel better about herself. she'll be infused with the desire to live.

it's so god damn annoying.

revelation #6: scrambled eggs

Doctor wants to scramble her brain so it doesn't get sad anymore, so she can function like a "normal" person. So that this mindnumbing life she lives can be tolerated. It won't work .... she already knows the answer to the riddle: Life is meaningless. Nothing has any value whatsoever.

Once you know that you can never go back.

revelation #5

there was a coffee shop she sometimes went to, a place she liked for its shabbiness and the oddball music they played. but she was afraid she would run into some one there and she didn't want to have to act normal or explain why she wasn't.

there was no one in the world she could explain it to, because there was no real reason for any of it.

baby, you defragment my life.

happy three months, officially. i know you'll read this sooner or later. and i hope you know i'm very thankful, for everything.

revelation #4

she does some sort of art. music, drawing, or writing, or all three. but not drama, never drama. she loves the idea of being someone she isn't, but she sure isn't enough of a person to be another one.

you could ask her for her name every single day and still get a different answer.

revelation #3

she likes to hold everything inside. when's she frustrated, when she's sad, when she's confused. the things she holds inside slowly eat away and what's left is a hollow body and a soul that's barely hanging on. but after a while, it get's to be too much and her little body can't hold it in any longer. so she takes it out with anger and force. she's never been good with words, anyways. maybe it's healthy to vent once in a while. she learned how to reduce her feelings and focus on the movement of her body instead. it's like everything she learned in her anger management classes just flew out the window.

she's a big girl, so don't go easy on her.

revelation #2

she thinks a lot; over thinks and over analyzes everything, every action -- maybe she picks up subtle things that most people don't, but no one cares whether she has or hasn't.

But maybe that's why she's the way she is.

revelation #1

maybe she feels like she's suffocating between her family and the mountains of stuff in the house and the smallness of it.

Maybe all she wants is to leave this place.

Honey, You're Breaking Your Own Heart

i always keep my pinky finger up like i'm drinking tea, but that's because i'm pretentiously ironic/ironically pretentious, even in bed.

sweetie pie, apple of my eye.

i could spend all my time analyzing you and all these other guys, but there just something different about you. like you're above everyone else. they can't even measure up. that's the thing about you. you're not afraid of me at all. i can be who i am with you. everybody else treats me like nitroglycerine. i treat myself that way sometimes.

sometimes i think i'm the worst one of all.

She Don't Think Straight

your dreams are like a pile of red string in your head and sometimes you want so badly for them to get tangled up with someone elses; but they keep cutting the feeble attempts you've made to get them intertwined and how someone else is tugging at them and you're only allowing them to because they are there and giving you the sick attention you've been searching for, so you keep letting them touch you like that and you keep whispering those lies because you know exactly what they want to hear, and then suddenly they're not assholes anymore. you are, and you keep tying those fake knots between the two of your heartstrings because you know you can, and you can tell that they're falling hard but you simply watch them lose their grip on their understanding of what it is they really want, so you contemplate cutting the strings that holds them to you, and not the other way around, all because you accidentally saw the frayed ends of the severed knots lingering in the hair of the person you really want, and you realize that you've become everything that you hate and exactly what you've always wanted to be at the same time.

this circle never ends

On the streets they call it murder
But you'll never know how much you hurt her.


Doc said it's okay to think about my past, to analyze it if i wished. it can be dangerous, though. it's only okay as long as i don't let it consume me. what was not okay was repression or trying to repress events that i considered 'bad'. so it was a matter of being in control, and not blocking anything out. but i'm weak; without Doc, i just can't.

i can't do this alone

portable hearts.

falafel balls are yummy ♥

i had a math test today, and i've been super stressed out because of it. i'm pretty much failing math right now, so i needed to pass that test. otherwise, i wouldn't be able to go to college. so i legitly sat down and studied, for more than an hour total. and yes, it actually paid off. i raped that math test so hard, it wasn't even funny. so yes, i think i'll be going to college.

we went out to lunch, and found this new sushi place on taraval. even better than Sushi Zen!

then i went to a workshop, but it only lasted 15 minutes. had dinner with the girls. it was some place called Goood Frikin Chicken. they had really interesting food. it was definitely fun.


portable hearts are easy to give away, easy to lose.

Happy belated two months, dear.

I went to Golden Gate Park on saturday. Technically it was my friend's surprise birthday party, but we celebrated our two months too. It that selfish? I don't think so. I helped pick up food and set up. I think that's more than enough. It was a very beautiful day, and I had a lot of fun.
Later that night, I had a dinner to go to. Nothing big, just a handful of old friends. I called them so I could cancel. I felt bad, but I was just too full off of picnic food. They ended up convincing me to go, and they changed plans and we went to the crepe store on cole st instead. We used to go there all the time last summer, and I'm glad I went. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't have realized how much I've missed that crowd.
Friday was Lowell's talent show, and it was mind blowing. That's all. I can't wait til they put the videos up on youtube.

I've been practicing piano, and I am improving. But, that leaves me no time for drawing/writing. I guess you just can't have everything.

Here You Go, Doc.

Everything is everything
And still I am nothing
But all I wanted was to be something

To you.


Dissolve. Throw seven years of your life in a glass of water and watch it fizz away like Alka-Seltzer.

It's This Repetitive Nonesense

*hail, snowball fight & rainbows. only thing missisng was the thunder.


I ended things with Doc. I didn't have the balls to see him for one last time, because I hate disappointing people. I didn't even have the balls to hear his voice, to hear how disappointed he would be. So I left a message instead, saying thanks and that I was sorry I couldn't be fixed. By the way, some things are better off broken.

I remember the last thing we talked about. Of course with every doctor I've had, we've discussed my dysfunctional relationships. He asked me to either write a journal or some kind of log. Well actually, two. One analyzing my life as a whole, the other analyzing my relationships with others, mainly the guys.



 I wonder if it was the dysfunctional relationships that broke me, or if I was already broken to begin with.

You're Haunting My Every Memory.

April 14th, 2009.
i still remember; every little detail.


why is it that no matter how hard i try, i simply cannot forget you?

how much would it suck if i couldn't go to college?

Lights Will Guide You Home

went to the Owl City/Lights/Paper Route concert. it was a lot less crazy than i had expected. i didn't go to my last class, so that i could get to the Fillmore earlier. a couple of my friends went on monday, and from what they told me, it was pretty crazy that first night. i'm lucky i went on the second night, because the more hardcore fans all went on the first night.
took the bus there, and i thought i wasn't going to make it in time to get a good spot in line. but then i got there and realized there was barely a line. there was a tour bus parked right outside the door that lead to backstage. i didn't really think anything of it, because those are usually the ones that they keep the band equipment in.
but when i walked past that door, i saw Valerie walk out. oh my fucking god! i flipped the shit out, and stood there stammering like an idiot. she walked out of the door and right into her tour bus, too quickly for me to process and realize that i just missed out on my chance of meeting her. i could've just died. so i stood outside of the tour bus for a while, hoping&praying that she would come back out.
of course, she didnt.
she probably could see me from the inside of her tour bus, i'm such a creeper. but i was really sad, having lost the chance of meeting her. but then i remembered something on her twitter that mentioned a meet and greet. so i went to the corner and scanned for a girl wearing a grey&white shirt. there was a line of about 15 people on that corner, and i saw a girl in navy&white stripes. i didn't think it was her, but i overheard people in line talking about seeing Lights, so i figured that was the line for the meet&greet.
i was so lucky, because i got my second chance to meet her!
paper route was pretty decent, and they played on a mini drum kit, it was pretty epic.
of course, Lights blew my mind, she's just too amazing.
owl city was pretty decent, he gave quite a nice show. but he's a classic example of a singer letting their newfound fame change who they were when they started. i miss the old adam.
i wanted to sign Valerie's tour book, but the lign was too long, so i just gave up. i got my picture with her, and it was more than enough♥

anaheim

back in sf, and i missed it so very much.


went to anaheim for five days, and it was crazy fun.
we got there on saturday morning, and settled into the room. afterwards, walked to target & the 99cents store to stock up on food, etc. but we were looking for fresh food, so we walked even more to a safeway a million miles away. it was extremely hot, and we had a gallon of milk, a big bottle of oil, a pack of steak, and a bunch of other stuff. and we were about 50 blocks away from the hotel. walking back was not fun. and getting hit on by wannabe rappers was not fun either. the guys got there a little after we got back to the hotel, after driving all the way from sf. so that night, we went to downtown disney and by the time we got back, i was tired and i wasn't in the mood to party with them. we had three rooms, with three bedrooms in each room. there was a lot of space, but i didn't sleep very well that night. they were partying pretty loud.
sunday morning we had to move all our stuff out tof the rooms and move into a smaller one. it sucked because our stuff basically took up most of the space, but we somehow managed. i felt a little bad, because we trashed the place. after moving our stuff, we had a lovely girls day out. we went shopping all day, and bought a lot of stuff. i ended up with two new dresses and another pair of boots. we got back in time to hang around in the swimming pool with everyone else. then i helped cook dinner, but all i actually did was wash dishes. i was tired, but i stayed up with them, because some of the girls were leaving that night, and we had lots of fun.


*there will be more, maybe.

you're the exception

happy one month? sure. but that's just a generic date, silly.


i'll have you know physical coldness is emotionally transferable
i'll have you know burning bridges is easier with you around
i'll have you know the future freaks me out.

You're Fucking Amazing.

Oh Grow Up.

immature ass girls, immature parents. people need to learn how to grow the fuck up. i cant wait til i'm out of here.


someway, somehow, i need to learn how to expand my lungs. this is hard.


i was supposed to sleep early tonight, because i won't be getting much sleep tomorrow. and only a little more than a week til spring break. it's like times passing by so fast, but at the same time, not fast enough.

feels like ritalin

i love being this focused & productive.

saw a pretty cool rainbow today. it looked like it circled the sun completely, but i couldn't tell for sure. all i know is that staring at the sun for that long was definitely not good for my eyes. after school my friends and i hung out at the basketball courts. lucky i had a towel in my car. we lay in the sun for a couple hours, just relaxing. i had a quick little nap, then had to go to workshop. they were teaching us how to write our resumes, but i've already done that, so i just didn't pay much attention.

math test coming soon, and i'm way behind on math homework..

shoot you, shoot me

daylight savings time raped me in the butt. i had nine hours of sleep saturday night, and about six hours last night, but i pretty much died today.

shopping, chocolate overdose, drawing, rock band, tanning, and a sleepover. that was a pretty nice weekend. except for the fact that i didn't get any homework done. but it's not like i ever do it anyways.

so Doc tells me i should keep drawing, even though the ones i've been doing recently are crap. plus, i asked him about my fingers, and he says it could be early stages or trigger finger, but he's not an expert on that. sounds kind of scary, so i'm thinking i should take a break for now. i cant remember what we talked about, but i know it was really good stuff. eventually i'll remember.

maybe.

Keeping the Poison to Myself

for most people, talking about problems makes everything okay.
for most people, it makes things better.
i guess i'm just not most people.

most people don't have to live with a Censor.

Fictitious Nonfiction

oh Mr. Poe ♥

 yesterday i saw Alice In Wonderland. the storyline was a bit predictable, but i still liked it. it definitely wasn't what i had expected, plus there wasn't enough of Johnny in it. but i'm not complaining.
 
pillow talk. because it's easier for me to open up in the dark, because i can focus on wording my thoughts rather than trying to read the things that flash across your face. silly me, spent an hour typing a super long post & then shortening it down to less than 100 words.
+stopped drawing, but started writing again. it's not good, but it's a big improvement.
 
i call it ugly
i call it hopeless
i call it story of my life

there is light at the end of the tunnel, stay strong. you'll be fine.

awkward turtle.

god damn it. i always get myself into the worst possible situations. what now?

tell the truth: possibly lose a friend

tell a lie: possibly guilty conscience

do nothing: that was never an option

fuckfuckfuck. could you make it any more awkward for me? probably not. honestly, that was such a pussy move, i dont think i even want to be your friend anymore.

crazy weather today, plus hail that reminded me of snow/tapioca balls. and i saw a rainbow, or at least the end of it.

started a drawing session, but i can already tell this one's gonna be crap. fuck.

i need to stop cussing.

funny? it's fucking depressing.

I saw Geoffrey today.
i had finished my interview and my friend took me to CaliPhonia to celebrate the fact that i survived another one. we were sitting at the window seats, and i see hime walk in with a group of his friends. it felt like being socked in the gut. i recognized him right away, but i dont think he recognized me. he looked at me, and paused a second before looking away, but it might have just been my imagination. i wanted to say something, but i hesitated and realized it was better to just turn away. i've changed a lot since we last saw each other, but he still looks like the same kid i knew all those years ago. i wanted to ask him how his mother was doing, if she got any better. i wanted to ask about his sister, and whether or not their relationship had improved. so many questions ran through my head, but i knew i could never bring myself to ask. but mostly, i was just glad that he was alright, and still alive.

isn't it funny how two completely inseperable people can become complete strangers over the span of a few years?

we are all irrelevant.

you say tomato, i say potato. is that how the saying goes? scratch that, it's irrelevant. had a nice nap yesterday.

&econ's my super favorite class. it's based on common sense, so im doing wonderfully. too bad the rest of the class doesnt have much common sense, it's depressing really. the whole week i've been exchanging songs with the guy next to me. so basically, i get into class, put in my earphones, and go through his ipod. as usual, it was a bit dissapointing. there were lots and lots of songs, but they were all typical, mainstream songs, none of which were very interesting. i found one or two songs that i didnt know and actually liked though, so it wasn't a complete fail. but i have yet to find my music soulmate.

ants&anthills.

i am not an artist, i am a work of art

fuck it.

damaged goods

saturday was nice; i woke up early to go to the gym. then i got home and showered, and went straight to work. stayed there for 2 hours, and went shopping at westlake, to look for a birthday present. i couldnt find a god present, but bought myself another pair of black boots. they weren't that expensive, but i'm supposed to be saving money for LA. so the shopping was really unsuccesful, but i went home happy, because of the boots. i fail at life. went to pick up some friends, who agreed to meet up at david's house. i got there a little late, but they weren't even there yet. so i got to meet his parents and spoke some funny vietnamese to them. the rest of them finally came, and the original plan was to get to tanforan early, so i could try to find her a gift again. but we got there right on time, so i just gave up. after dinner, i was supposed to go to my friend's party, but i was just not in the mood. but i had promised that i would go, so i showed up for a bit. there wasn't as much people as i expected, but it was still typical. so i left and ended up at another friend's house.

his basement is amaaazing. there were 50 nerf guns, probably more, and hundreds of nerf darts. all of a sudden he decided to have an all out war, and we had a two on two. it was so unfair, because i barely knew how to use any of the guns, and neither did my amigo. i got shot in the head too many times, plus one of the giant missle things hit me right next to my eye and almost broke my nose. those guns are dangerous. got home late, and almost slept over, because i was so sleepy. but, i decided to suck it up and go home. it was the first time i fell asleep driving, i wouldn't recommend it. but when i got home, i couldnt sleep. it was a full moon, and it was crazy bright. at first, i thought one of my neighbors had left on their backyard light, because it was shining right into my bedroom. i looked out the window, and the moon was right there, illuminating everything like a huge spotlight. i pulled the curtain aside, and sat down by the window and just started drawing. the session didn't last long though, soon after i got into bed and knocked out.

sunday i tried to sleep in, but my stomache wouldn't let me so i had to wake up early and eat breakfast. it was really nice and sunny, so i called some people over and we had a barbeque. it was fun, but not a good idea, because i went to a buffet for dinner, but i wasnt hungry anymore. went home and continued drawing, then had a solid 8 hours of sleep.

apparently it wasn't enough, because i couldnt stop yawning all day today. i took off work so that i could stay for march madness, but it got postponed to next week. what a waste of my time. but at least i got to have some bonding time with my buddies. i got home around a little before 5, and didnt know what to do. i ended up doing a lot of math homework, since it's all due tomorrow. and there's a test tomorrow that's going to screw me over.

i've been crawling around on my hands & my knees,

just so i could see the world from a different perspective

but nothing changed, it's me that's defective.

i hate this feeling.

i always say that i can never feel guilty, because i lack a conscience. but maybe i was just lying to myself. like how i lied to you. i thought, maybe not telling the truth made things easier. but no, that's just me being stupid and stubbornly in denial. the truth is rarely enough. so why do i believe that lying is any better? im an avoider, even when confronted and backed into a corner.

i can lie my way out of anything.

it kills me knowing that i lied, but this is simply how i function. asking me to stop lying is like asking me to stop breathing.

i finally learned how to play the game and you come in and throw everything the fuck off.

shoot me.

i got out of school early again, at 1:40. then i had to walk to my car in the crazy rain. i left my umbrella in the car, because i didnt think it was going to rain, and this insane storm came out of nowhere. so i hung out afterschool for a bit, then left to go to work. i wanted to stay for the playoffs, but im already taking of so many days next week for march madness. so i came to work. my boss is out for the day, and the secretary left right when i got here. so im sitting in the office, all alone. and i left my backpack in my car, so i wont be very productive either. i was planning on staying til 5, but i might just sneak out in a little bit and say i worked 2 hours. and its not like anyone's here to catch me. plus it's raining like crazy, and there's a birthday dinner tonight. and tomorrow night. and the night after that. i swear, it seems like everyone has their birthday in february.

im a really good liar. is that so bad?

i dont this stress

im not good with words; you should know that. i dont know how to put my thoughts into words, or how to tell you how i feel. i dont even know how i feel most of the time.


so that one girl still pisses me the fuck off. she wont stop asking questions and being a dumbass in general. if she would just shut her mouth for five seconds and stop polluting my eardrums with her crap, then maybe she would be able to pay attention long enough to realize that everyone is giving her the answers. honest to god, she stresses me out so bad.

Go-Karting or Work?

currently at work. ive been here since 2:15, and im not doing anything productive. how fun. now i really regret not going to Malibu today. im so stupid, it's not even funny.

You Dont Have to Feel Safe to Feel Unafraid

i climbed a tree today. in the pouring rain. in heels, no less. it's been a while since i've had such a nice day, even though i had a spanish test and an in class essay. that can't bring me down.

i've already started making plans for spring break. i know i should just wait for summer to go down to LA, but it's spring break! we're not planning on actually staying in LA, but in Anaheim, which is about half an hour away. that's not too far right? i want to visit my big bro for a bit. i miss him dearly.

sleepover

where did the weekend go? it flew by a little too fast..
friday was very special. it was our first official sleepover ♥
even though i only had about four hours of sleep that night, it was just perfect.

saturday was a busy day, but not productive at all.
had a group project, but all we did was watch movies and play rock band. it was fun. then later that night, i had to go to a birthday dinner. it was at rainforest cafe, and i havent been there in a while, so it was okay. only one person drove, since it was at the pier and there isn't any cheap parking there. but, we decided to have a last minute after party. so we packed nine people into one car. and four of those guys are former football players. so there was barely any room and i almost got squished to death. plus, the car could barely make it up the hill. it was crazy, but it was worth it. i didn't stay late for the party, and i was sober all night, so i'm proud of myself for that.

sunday i had to wake up early for work. but i didnt have a hangover or anything like that. so it was all good. i wanted to go home and knock out, but got a call and met my friend up at mcclaren. it was still afternoonish, and i was too tired to stick around for the sunset, so i headed home. i didn't get to take a nap that day, but at least i had a good night's sleep. but i guess it wasn't good enough, because i still felt like a zombie today.

inspire me

Playing this card game with hearts at stake. And I'm betting it all baby. Winner takes all and I have the losing hand. When will you take notice?

i want to start drawing again. i keep taking out my sketchbook and sharpening my pencils. but i dont feel inspired. so i just put everything away and drown myself in music. i think my brain stopped functioning.

i'm a dumbass.

so i made a mistake. and i can only blame myself. miscommunication is painful.


i feel so retarded, i just complicated everything. i promised monogamy, right?
..but after what happened today, i couldnt be alone. i just couldnt. you understand, dont you?
so i called up an old 'friend'. old habits die hard..
on the up side, i got to watch the sunset. its been a while since ive had time to just sit and enjoy nature. then i took it a step further and we went to sierra point and had a nice walk and watched the moon.
but today made me think a lot. of where i stand, relationship-wise. and ive come up to the conclusion that, yes, quality is better than quantity. so i probably won't mention this 'slip-up', because i think that it had a positive effect on our relationship.

also, my friend convinced me to celebrate Lent with him. apparently, you're supposed to either give something up, like soda or swearing, or give something, like your free time to volunteering.
so we talked about what he was giving up, which was alcohol and meat, and sundays at the homeless shelter. that was pretty hardcore, and hearing him say that he was gonna give up meat made me want to give something up also, as a way of supporting him.
so he helped me pick, and i decided i would give up fast food, and chips. which is hard, but not extremely. the last one, which is the hardest for me, is being more open and honest. he's known me for a long time, and he thinks that i dont trust people enough, and i never let anyone in. it was painful to hear him talk about me that way, especially since it was the truth. so forty days, of letting people in. this is gonna kill me.

2 down, 3 to go

the colleges i applied to are:
1. calpoly slo
2. calpoly pomona
3. san jose state
4. csu long beach
5. san francisco state


i got my acceptance letter to sf state over a month ago, but it's only my backup college, so no excitement there. today, i found out i got accepted to san jose state! and since its higher on my list than csu long beach, i dont care if i get rejected from long beach. truthfully though, im still waiting as patiently as i can for my letters from the two calpoly campuses. its scary, but at least i got my first acceptance outside of san francisco; im ecstatic!

busy, busy weekend.

friday night; tea party!
we watched How To Be. what a beautifully awkward movie. i like strange movies, but you should already know that.

saturday; skateboarding & charity night
relearned how to skateboard, went more than 15 blocks downhill all the way to ocean beach. it was amazing. then we did some carskateboarding. as in one person drives the car while the other person hops on a board and holds onto the car. i was paranoid that i would accidently drive over my friend. but of course that didn't happen.

sunday; vietnamese new years
woke up at 6am to go to a temple 2 hours away. it's located at the top of some mountain near gilroy. apparently there was a road that snaked around the mountain that eventually led up there. but our GPS found the shortcut that cut straight through the mountain. so we were driving on offroad terrain. good thing it was my mom's suv. or else we probably would've died. it was breathtakingly beautiful. and the air was amazingly fresh! risking our lives was definitely worth it.
then we headed to san jose to celebrate. i left my parents after lunch, and went to go gamble! i suck so bad, i think i just don't have enough good luck. i met a lot of nice people, but most of them lived in sanjose, so i didnt really bother. went home around 4pm and was about to crash, when my cousin called me to come over.
so i went over for dinner and stayed for the party. more gambling, of course. it's new years. i spent 2 hours in the game, and ended up losing money. what a fun way to waste my time.
afterwards, i went out for some late night football. it was either because i was really tired, or the lack of light, but i really sucked last night. i was about to catch a really nice pass, but it brushed a telephone wire and i somehow completely missed it. and it slammed right into my chest. that was painful.

today; i woke up early once again.
had breakfast at my grandma's house. some of my other family was there as well. i had a very deep conversation about life with some cousins. it was very.. healing. after they left, i talked on the phone with my buddy. and out of nowhere, the top part of the window (i don't know what it's called) falls on me! that was not fun, and all i tried to do was close the shades. when i got home, he gave a surprise visit. he's silly, but it made me extremely happy.

between all of that, i barely had time to read. which also means i havent had time to draw, either.

take deep breaths. enjoy life.

three day weekend coming up, things are getting better.
plus, my buddy took my to my favorite thai restaurant for dinner! there's so much to say, but the main point is, everything's looking up.

can you fix me, doc? my life is broken.

i went to see Doc today. and before anything started, i gave him my conditions.
number 1: absolutely no pills.
number 2: no prying, if it makes me uncomfortable


i so wish it was my old Doc. i truly do regret stopping my visits with him, when he was still working. but onto the new Doc. the past couple of visits were spent talking about him. i wasn't too comfortable opening up to a complete stranger, so he told me about his life. but he made me promise to at least try open up to him by our third viait. so i kept that promise. and it's hard to tell someone, especially a stranger, all of your pains and everything you try so hard to hide.


and now i feel mentally and phsyically drained, and exhausted. but at the same time, its been a while since ive opened up that much.
and today was barely scraping the surface.

rephrase & redirect. remember anger management.

today was a crappy day. i was a bitch, but i don't blame myself. i started off in a good mood. until english class. this annoying girl is so retarded, it's not even funny.

taken for granted

today was a long day. partly because it was monday.
my first legit fieldtrip at lowell, yay! and it only took three and a half year. i got to go to the International Gift Show at the moscone. it was amazing. they had the coolest things there. and the chocolate. the chocolate was just delicious. there were lots of free samples, it was like heaven. there were so many things i wanted to buy, and me&myfriend asked if we could buy samples, but they all said 'sorry, come back tomorrow'. since tomorrow would be the last day of the gift show, that was the only day they were willing to sell. otherwise, we had to buy in bulk. so it was slightly dissapointing. until we came to this cute/weird booth that sold little japanese gift items. like those cool cellphone charms. we talked to the guy for a while, and he was extremely cool. we asked if we could buy anything, and he finally pulled out this bag of things he didn't really need. so we asked him the prices, but he just told us to take it. for free!
bussing back to school to get my car was a fail. but it was fun.
then everything went downhill from there.
my 'friend' had another 'emergency'. so i drove over to help his ass. but he doesn't fucking appreciate the things i do for him. and honestly, i'm tired of cleaning up after his mess. we've strictly platonic for the past few months, and i thought that would improve our relationship. but no, it's just as complicated. and lately, the negatives have been infinitely outweighing the positives.


..one day you're gonna need me and i'm not gonna be there. learn to appreciate what you have before she's gone

six months.

it's been half a year, vegetarian. looking back, i regret not having started earlier in life. people ask me how i do it, and whether i still crave the things i used to be able to eat. i just shrug and tell them it comes naturally for me.
so i celebrated by going to work. not. i just needed to pick up my timesheet and turn it in.
then i picked up a dvd that i forgot at my buddy's place. apparently his daddy wants to kill me. it's funny how ive been on quite a few people's hit lists recently.

he was busy, so i went home and tried to nap. but napping doesn't work for me. so i went shopping with my bitches instead.

that's how i celebrated. by going shopping. its just another excuse to spend money. the lady at the counter asked me if i was shopping for valentine's day. i was confused as to why she would ask me this, then i realized all the clothes i bought had some form of red on it. i laughed and told her i don't celebrate valentine's day. she asked me if my boyfriend wanted to celebrate. again, i laughed. i said its complicated, and walked away after i paid.

then we decided to stop by for the vietnamese news year festival in tenderloin. well actually, we went near it, because i wanted thai food. from my favorite thai restaurant.
and finally, the day ended with a sunset. one that actually made me feel better, instead of worse.
it was a long day without you, but the distractions helped me through.

"Engulfed in smoke filled dreams where form is obscured, she is dragged helplessly forward through her own colourful narrative. Her dreams move through stages and changes like the colours in rainbows because for her, things do not appear as they truly are."

Prozac, Ecstacy, it's all the same.

i shouldnt be posting this. im at work right now. and im 'working'. er well, im waiting til 5:30 so that i can leave. what an awesome job; i dont need to do anything but its boring as hell.


so the past few days have been crazy. like a rollercoaster ride. and i havent been giving details since god know when. so here goes;


i believe it was tuesday. the bad, bad day. i dont remember feeling so down since two years ago, when i started seeing Doc. that was scary, but it was a wake up call.
so background; all the way back to freshman year. when i was still looking for a psychologist. i was on my fourth one, i believe. it was difficult, because i completely stopped taking antidepressants. drugs are just against everything that i am. so i had to find a doctor that could fix me, without trying to drug me. and that was difficult. then i found him. and to this day, i still cant remember his name. ive always just called him Doc. and he helped me. and i was thankful. i would go twice a month, sometimes more, depending on my needs. then it was once a month, then eventually once every four months. i was fixed. and then i stopped going completely, sometime in my junior year.


then a lot of stuff happened, and i can't even remember most of it. but bottom line, i was am crazy. it isnt something thats so easy to fix. i tried to hide my thoughts, but it was so easy for me to see that i was different. sometimes my thoughts consumed to the point that i thought i would just die, poisoning myself from the inside with my own thoughts. its possible.


maybe thats why i enjoyed the drugs so much. my first time taking it, i was amazed. my friends just saw it as a fun thing to try, but i was hooked. i hate admitting it, but it was to the point that i was practically dependent on them. because for a couple hours, my brain was numb, and i think thats how you feel when youre happy. readily accessible, my best friend's cousin's boyfriend sold them to me cheap. but then i realized how i weak i was for getting addicted. i want to say that i stopped cold turkey and turned my whole life around, but im still struggling. its not that im addicted to it, but that i turn to them when i cant handle being inside my head. but i thought, how is this any different than taking antidepressants? so ive been voluntarily drug free for more than a week now.


and i will work harder to fix myself. i made an appointment with my psychiatrist, and i promised i would give him a fair chance. i really, truly miss my old Doc. its a shame that he's retired young. i feel that he was the only one that could help me. ive already rescheduled that appointment about five times, but i will go for sure this time.


i know this is a really long post, and if you read through the whole thing, good for you. i just took away five minutes of your life that you will never get back.


p.s. don't mind me. i'm crazy.

thank god.

please make it stop.

my life is a rollercoaster. when i''m feeling up, nothing in the world can stop me. and when i'm feeling down.. well let's just say that you better hope you never see me when i'm down. it's scary sometimes, the thoughts that run through my head. obviously my psychiatrist isn't helping
..maybe it's about time i went back to my psychologist. i just hate feeling so vulnerable, as if he was prying into my soul with his microscope.

goodnight, beautiful moon. i'm afraid your inspiration was wasted.

this weekend was way too much fun. so now i'm resting.

and i've been drawing again. strange how holding the pencil feels almost alien. it's been a while, obviously.
once i get into the zone, my momentum is pretty unstoppable. and then i find out that i lost my one&only pencil sharpener. it's a piece of crap, but it's all i got. so now, i have five pencils, but none of them usable because they desperately need to be sharpened. i'm fustrated as hell, and there's nothing i can do about it.

*please be nice to her. she reminds me of myself, and i know how much it hurts.

why do you build me up, buttercup?

i'm stressed. that's not right. it's barely the second week of the second semester of my senior year. it's supposed to be relaxing. but it's cool. i'll work my ass off for the first grading period, then i'll slack off and hopefully still get decent grades. or well, decent enough.


plus i stopped drawing, oh nos. i think it's been more than two weeks now. is there a word for this illness? drawer's block? that sounds awkward. i wonder what's changed, that stopped me from getting inspired. i remember back in december when i was overly inspired to the point where my hand hand just couldn't keep up with my imagination. and now, nothing. just emptiness.

all you do is fill me up with doubt

i may be bulletproof, but sometimes love makes me wish i had a heart.

so today was pretty decent. i found out that my spanish teacher really favors his TAs. and i'm one of them, whaddup! so basically, i got a D for my final semester grade. and i was fine with that. but today, he told me to talk to him after class. he said since i was his TA and all, he would bump that up to a C. so yea, this TA position is definitely worth it. work was not so much fun, and homwork is killer. but the weekend makes up for it.


There's this path that I know,
where we can walk on, just you and me.


Before you decide,
I think it's only fair
That this path to freedom
Will only lead you to nowhere.

why, hello there mr. sunshine

shopping, hiking, and dinner.
today was a healing day ♥

apparently, i have amazing triceps.
that's right mr. duggan, thems what you call swimmer muscles.


there's something wrong with me
and it's so plain to see
if only you would open your eyes
this is something i can't hide
i cannot live happily
without you by my side.
^was that silly? yea, but it's all your fault 8)

progressively more cynical? story of my life.

sometimes i just want to smash my huge closet mirrors and watch them shatter into a million shards of glass.
sometimes i can't bear it, when i see the person in the mirror staring back at me. she's a fake, a phoney. she is me.
sometimes i wish i could leave this world, permanently. but i know, even permanent marker isn't permanent.

you'll never know..

the way the air smells after it's been raining for days. the clear night sky, the bright moon after nights of moonless, cloudy skies. the sound of your voice after an especially stressful day at work.
thank you.

..how much that means to me.

don't waste time, get wasted.

i would never, ever sink to your level, sweetie. i'm way better than that.
like, hello? you're a couple years older than me, so stop acting like you're still in middle school. some people just never grow up.

so today i went to my counselor again. i think it's been four times now. and i still haven't been able to talk to him. and i went to TA today for the first time. what a waste of time. silvia & i agreed; we'd rather be wasted than waste our time TAing for our spanish teacher. plus she said her parent's are out for the weekend.
perfect timing or what?

trippy much?

tell me why everyone was high on the first day of the semester. it was waay too funny. i can't believe i didn't remember that until just now. well actually, i can believe it. but i swear to god, i don't smoke.


so today was pretty dumb. i went to the counselor's office for the second time today. and again, i was kicked out before i could even talk to my counselor. not cool. so i ended skipping work and got froyo with the bestie. a couple hours after i got home, he called me and told me to go online. then he sent me this link to this dumb ho's blog. two words: fucking. douche.
i already knew about it, but what the fuck. i guess the reason i was so pissed off was because we called her and tried to confront her about it, but she denied it as if we were fucking stupid. there was just so much shit that she said about what happened two weekends ago, and wow. i actually thought she was pretty nice. i guess not.

ice & snow ; keep it slow.

reno was amazing. i made a couple snowpeoples and met a lot of great people. i owe you a longer blog & details, but the semester just started & i'm trying to get a good start. hopefully this momentum will continue pushing me along for the rest of the semester.